Summertime Sadness

In the past two weeks, the woman had managed to calm down quite a lot. At least, that’s what she told herself. To not appear like the broken mess she was, she had tried to take more rest. This failed miserably, obviously, but at least she tried. Everytime her head hit the pillow, she gave up after being awake for over an hour, putting her nose back in her books, or just simply arranging whatever needed to be done at the castle. On the bright side, this meant that every task had been perfectly done. Slowly, she got more used to what needed to be done in their new home. She had learned to trust some of her employees with tasks that didn’t need to be done by her specifically and the pieces seemed to fall in place. Or maybe, she just didn’t allow herself to worry about it anymore.

Because, in the back of her mind, Kaz was still hurting her. She had made the decision to leave him alone for the time being, after he had sent Mort away. For once, it would be his decision. And if he didn’t come back to her, it just had to be that way. Or, that was what she tried to believe. It took every part of her being to not walk up to her, though she had slowly lost hope for that after the first week, channeling all her emotions into Alchemy when she wasn’t working, because what else was new. With this, she had created a new necklace that was now found around her neck, though hidden underneath her dress.

Their room had been cleaned in the first week and after that, the Duchess had decided to sleep there again. Kaz hadn’t, but both avoiding the room was of no use. The first nights had been hard alone, but slowly she seemed to find her way again. Or, she managed to distract herself successfully. Like tonight. With a candle next to her bed, she had gotten into her pajamas, one of her newest books on her lap. She totally expected to fall asleep like that, until a knock sounded on the door. “Come in,” she decided to answer, after being quiet for at least a minute. The only one who would dare to knock on her door without it being an emergency, was Gareth. So she fully expected it to be him.

It took a while for the door to open, so by that time she had focused her attention back on the book in her lap. The content of it was actually quite interesting, as it held the magical powers of certain gems, information that was still new to her. There was so much she still had to learn and in a way, it made her anxious. Because it felt like she was back at the beginning, while she had done nothing but practice Alchemy her entire life. Yet, it was exactly what she needed at the moment. Something to focus on. Because as soon as she would lose that, she would break apart. And she couldn’t allow that.

“What is it?” she asked calmly, after hearing the door open. It was only after she had spoken the words, that her gaze moved towards the one standing in the opening of the door. Kaz. Her heart skipped a beat and she frowned, slowly closing the book. “Oh.” Absolutely not who she had expected and she wasn’t sure how she felt about seeing him, as he hadn’t been the most reasonable person lately. Was he going to tell her they were permanently over, after enjoying two weeks of silence? Or was he here for another reason? “Come in,” she told him, putting the book away and changing position so she would sit straight. It was weird to have to ask him into their own room, but then again… everything about this situation was weird.

She looked better. One brow was raised as she looked at the man, leaning against the door as if this was not as much his room as it was hers. Everything about him seemed to scream how uncomfortable the situation, the location and his company made him feel, but all she could do was stare at him with this slightly confused expression on her face. Chit chat wasn’t exactly on her planning right now, after spending two weeks apart. Those two weeks had, after all, felt miserable. What did one do when the one person who could pull them out of a ditch, was the one who threw them in there, after all? It hadn’t been easy, but she was strong enough to pull through. And now that he was standing here, she had to keep strong. Not allow herself to hope that he was here to apologize. Prepare for the worst.

“You came here to tell me I look good?” she asked calmly, putting a faint smile on her face when she fell quiet for a few seconds. “Because I know.” Good job, Allison. Trying to lift the mood, or at least her own, with a joke. As if things weren’t already bad enough. She opened her mouth again to ask him what he was doing here, but instead closed it again, biting her lip softly as she looked at the blankets, pulling up her knees so she could wrap her arms around them, as if that would keep her from falling apart once he would tell her what he was doing here. “How are you?”

While not seeing him had been hard, watching him stand there was even worse. She had to keep herself from walking up to him, bursting into tears as she’d tell him that she missed him. Because she did. But, she had told herself that she missed the man she married. And she wasn’t fully sure if he was still in there, if she could get that man back. If Kaz would ever want that part of him to come back. Because he sure as hell had made it seem like he didn’t. Something that she could, absolutely, understand after what had happened to him. His life was a mess and the future probably wasn’t going to be much better. With the way he was, she wouldn’t be too surprised if he had turned his back on her and never looked back. He had turned his back on her before, after all.

The past weeks hadn’t made anything better. Same. But, instead of saying that, she just softly nodded. They had been awful, in all honesty. And she was glad that she had the chance to put her mind on other things, not allowing herself to fall into the abyss. Because she wasn’t sure if she could get herself out of that. Especially now that Mort was gone, the one person around who had seemed able to talk some sense into her. “Of course,” she answered, after he had gestured to the bed. And while she wanted to say more, she kept her mouth shut. Because this time, it was up to him to talk.

It was strange. All this time, she had thought she would be more excited to see him. Yet, here she was. Filled with doubt and fear, because here he was. With the possibility to end it all, but now officially. A thought that had been running through her mind for quite some time now. Would he? The words he had last spoken to her were still echoing in her mind and with those, it wouldn’t come as a surprise. It would break her heart into a million pieces and no Alchemy in the world would be able to distract her from that, but it would be… understandable. And she knew that she would have to move on, somehow, if it came to that. But, she wasn’t ready for that yet. Even though she would probably never be.

‘I missed you.’ The words caused her to rip her gaze away from him, pulling her legs closer. How could he even say that? “I…” She had been here all this time. But, that wasn’t the answer she needed to give right now. Because he knew, otherwise he hadn’t come here right now. She was as loyal as a damn dog. He could curse at her and she would forgive him as soon as he apologized. Miserable, yet soothing in a way to love someone enough to not let your pride stand in the way. “I’ve missed you too,” she eventually admitted, though she still refused to look at him, staring at the bed instead.

There was so much wrong between the two of them. Mistakes that had been made and could never be taken back. Somewhere, along the way, she should have lost track of herself. Back when Giovanni had lost his life, when the one certainty she had, had been gone.
All this time, she had tried to convince herself to do other things, to ignore what was still there in the back of her mind. Never allowing herself to truly be at peace with it. Kaz had been her main distraction, which he was probably well aware of. What he wasn’t aware of, however, was the amount of power he had had over her. And that was probably the scariest. How she would do anything, because of her blind loyalty, simply because she thought it would be the best for him.
The past few weeks, had made her realize this. A toxic trail of mind she had had since the very day she had left the home of her parents. Starting with her first love, moving on to Giovanni and once she had lost him… It was not healthy. Not at all. The thought that ‘it feels fine, so it must be fine’ was a dangerous one. And only now was she able to pull herself away from it. Perhaps only until the day things would take a turn for the worse, but for now she needed to fight for it. For now, she needed to make the best decision not only for Kaz, but also for herself.

Instead of taking the ring that was held out to her, she placed her hands on her lap. She wanted to. Of course she did. But, it was not the right thing to do. So she swallowed, trying to push back the words that she knew she wanted to speak. Words that would feel good now, but would not help the future. Because if there was one thing she did know, it was that their situation was all kinds of fucked up. And it couldn’t stay that way.
“I have it,” she told him, after a silence that felt like forever, even if it had only been a few minutes. “She sent it to us to prove she had you.” She had been holding onto it for a while, until she finally locked it away in a drawer, hidden from sight. Because right now, it wasn’t something she needed to hold onto. Right now, it was something that needed to stay right there. Locked away in the dark.
“I can’t take it,” she whispered softly, biting her lip as she looked back at the ring.

The decision she made today, was one that she had been thinking about for the past few days. For the first week or so after their last talk, she had wallowed in self-pity. She had told herself that she would come back to him as soon as he asked her to and that she would fight for it with all she had.
It was only after she had started to calm down, that she realized that she would be fighting a different fight than she needed to. Because she would be fighting herself. Her own needs, rather than her problems. Because she needed him to be strong, just like how he needed her to be so. Something that wasn’t all that easy to accomplish, especially with the way she had been. Instead of getting strong, she had been pretending to be so. Leaning on him, smiling and telling him that everything would be alright. It wouldn’t be. Things were shit and they were going to be shit for a long time.

“No, you don’t,” she told him softly, after he had told her that he understood. Because she was sure that, just like she had last time, he did not understand the meaning in her words. For a moment, she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in. Because she did remember the promise they had made that night and she was planning to keep it, but she could only do that by getting as close to breaking it as she could, without actually doing so.
“I haven’t been who you needed me to be,” she told him, a calmth in her tone that made very clear that she had been thinking about these words for a while. Repeating them in her head over and over again, in hopes he would understand. Because the last thing they needed at this moment, were more misunderstandings.
“You’re not ready to wear a ring again,” she noted, her voice softening a bit. It was the truth. And for once, she couldn’t ignore it. So finally, she looked back at him, trying to meet his gaze. Trying to see what was going through his head as she spoke, as they both needed to make decisions here. Decisions that could lead them into so many different paths, but all she could hope was that it would lead them into the correct one. For both of them.
“So I need you to hold onto it until you are.” Because the ring was different. It couldn’t be an empty promise, because then it would mean nothing.