Van Gogh's Crows

Living her whole life in a house, somehow protected from the rest of the world, didn’t help her prepare for what, apparently, the real world was. Pain like this, was the last thing she expected to feel, so soon into her journey to find a better life. One that clearly wasn’t right up ahead.  Her little bubble, the one where she was hiding, popped when that arrow pierced her flesh, when his arm tightened up around her neck, when his voice killed her inside, whisper after whisper.

She had to do something, her situation didn’t look like it was going to get better by the minute. The girl agreed, only to be able to slightly breathe again. Even though his arm was still around her neck, air could easily go through her throat now. While gasping for air again and breathing frantically, the girl held onto his arm even stronger. She was trying to hold onto him because she could clearly feel her vision getting blurry and her senses slowly fading. His voice ringing in her ears was as sharp as the pain she felt just a moment before, especially because he was threatening her again. As if she had any chance to do anything now. As if she was woke enough to just get up and run away. At least now, she was completely alert again.

The man released her from his grip and the arrow came out of her thigh as fast as it got into it. With a groan she fell on her knees, the pressure that her body was putting on her thigh was somehow reassuring. Pain meant that she was at least alive and was the one thing she could focus on, to avoid thinking about this person who she had just helped and the fear for him that was building up, stronger and stronger. He wasn’t helping much with that though, because soon after, she could feel his hands on her skin once again. The man was roughly pulling her towards the direction from which she came. ’No..’ She said in her mind, hoping that somehow he could hear her. Her voice wasn’t coming out, she couldn’t think straight and couldn’t order her body to get up. ’No.’ The word finally came out, her voice was firm as if she had gained back her energies all at once. Clearly it wasn’t like that. She tried to pull her arm away from his grip, but all she achieved were a couple of weak movements, that tired her out immediately. ’Fuck.’ She said huffing between her teeth. That was it. He was going to kill her now, right? At least he was going to end her sufferings. To finally end her poor and useless life once and for all. Maybe that was for the best.

Not even her could predict the boldness with which she tried to oppose the man. Her tone sounded firm to her, she felt like she was getting somewhere with just that. After being all over her, he was only holding her arm, she didn’t have an arrow in her thigh anymore and now could express her own will, couldn’t she? How that thought even crossed her mind, she didn’t know. She had already tried to leave and she ended up with this man grabbing her, forcing her to do something she clearly didn’t want. Regardless, she was still trying to go against him.

Suddenly, before she could understand what was happening, she found herself on her knees once again. A little groan came out of her throat when she hit her thigh. Her reflexes were so slow that she didn’t have the time to turn around and see if he was again behind her, that he was crouching in front of her. The girl could barely keep her eyes open by now, but she forced herself to do so, she needed to look at him the way he was looking at her. She wasn’t going to kneel down. As soon as she thought that, she realised her position and how much power he had on her by just fixing his gaze on her. He was literally gluing her to the ground with his eyes only.

A cold feeling right under her chin made her reflexively raise it up, as if she was trying to push away from that sensation. Realising that she couldn’t move her neck further up, she slowly inhaled trying to calm down, but the movement pushed the tip of what she understood being the arrow slightly towards her soft skin. A frown wrinkled her forehead, uneasiness could be seen in her eyes, in her motions, in everything she was doing. ”You are coming with me. It’s up to you in which condition” This was it, this was the last warning for her. It was either she gave up or… ’Kill me.’ Elodie found the strength to say while fixing her gaze in his. Blue meeting amber. Calm meeting rage. ’Kill me now.’ She repeated, even more convinced of what she was saying, If she had to live a life where she had to suffer because of this man, she’d rather die right there, right now.

A disgusted expression spontaneously found its way to Elodie’s face while she was looking at him. He somehow complimented her, but broke all her expectations of finally being able to get over with this whole situation as soon as possible. Her eyes followed every movement he made and when he got up, towering her again, while she was kneeling down, she felt like an ant. Something that could’ve been crushed with one foot, or even a finger. She used to feel like this too when her stepfather treated her as if she was nothing. Maybe she actually was nothing.

He wrapped his fingers around her neck and lifted her up as if it wasn’t a big deal. Somehow the redhead found a way to feel surprised by his strength once again. At the same time though, she found herself gasping for air for what it felt like the hundredth time in such a small amount of time. Her hands automatically found their way to his arm, she clinged onto him again, not because she was trying to rip him off of her, she was clinging onto him the same way she was clinging to life. Even though she wanted to die just few moments ago.

Her legs weren’t exactly stable, but she focused on the few energies she had left and tried to stay still, tried not to fall back at his feet. It was then that a different and new kind of pain struck her as violently as the first one did. Her face tilted to the side while she was processing what was happening. Her whole jaw felt numb for a couple of seconds before she could taste blood in her mouth, which she spat on the ground, right before his feet when he ordered her to walk. ’Fuck off.’ There wasn’t much else to say. He was quite adamant on the matter. He wasn’t going to give her up and that wasn’t a good thing for her. That was her new life, her new beginning; but if he thought that this was the last time she was going to disobey, he was extremely wrong. Stubbornness was deep-rooted in her personality and she wasn’t going to give up the freedom she had finally gotten so easily. Elodie looked at him one last time, her gaze unrealistically cold and she started walking towards the sea, towards the direction where she came from, far away from her real destination.

Anger had now completely replaced her fear for him. She was following him without really paying attention to her surroundings; she had already seen those trees, those leaves, that path was the same she was observing so closely just when she arrived there. And now she was going back, walking the exact steps she took the first time, only that she was clearly unable to walk properly, due to the pain that pierced her thigh every step she took.

The harbour was exactly as she left it, but the ship she was on when she arrived wasn’t there anymore. It was her last chance to get help from someone, but she saw it crumbling as soon as her shoe touched the wood of the ship he brought her on. He didn’t expect him to shout that loud and didn’t expect everyone in the crew to get in front of him, ready to listen to every word he was saying. The voice in which he was demanding people to leave her alone, wasn’t at all the voice in which he commanded her to come with him. It was still firm and authoritative, but it wasn’t scary. All those people on the ship immediately complied with his orders and he then started walking again, as if nothing had happened. Why did everyone treated her as if it was normal that she was there? As if it was normal that she couldn’t walk, that her face was swollen? Even if her mind was tied up to those thoughts, she spontaneously started following him, as if he had tied his leash on her. Her legs were moving by themselves and her control of herself silently slipped off her own hands.

They entered a small room where he pushed her on a couch. It was the first comfortable moment in what it seemed like an eternity, but his hands on her rang a bell and she couldn’t fully relax. Her eyes followed every movement he was making and her body was completely tensed up, her heart beating like it never did before. ”I will arrange a room for you so you can have some privacy on board” His words made her frown her eyebrows in confusion. Why was he being so kind now? What did he want? ”This is what is going to happen. I’m going to take care of you, keep you safe..” Her ears basically shut off at the sound of those words. How was he planning on keeping her safe? By locking her up? By punching her again? Elodie was so lost in her thoughts that she couldn’t grasp everything that he said. ’What..?’ She said in a confused whisper, her voice still didn’t want to come back. When he started moving again, she jumped on her seat, scared, before following him with her eyes once again.

Few moments later, he was kneeling in front of her. His presence was so overwhelming for her. Just the fact that they were in the same room made her tense, but the fact that he now was so close to her, terrified the girl who tried to pull back from him. Her confused look didn’t want to leave her face and when he gently pressed a piece of fabric against her jaw, her forehead stretched out and the wrinkles she had on disappeared. Her eyes widened in surprise and she slightly gasped because of the pain he caused by touching her right where she was hurting. ’Don’t touch me.’ Words slipped out of her mouth and reflexively, she slapped his hand away.

If when they were on the deck of the ship, Elodie’s main emotion was anger now that they were in a room alone, fear started taking over. After the unexpected change in his attitude towards her though, confusion suddenly hit her right in the face. Ironic. He got close to her, told her he was going to take care of her, tried to help her with the wounds he had inflicted her.

The redhead had enough emotions for the day. She was tired of feeling out of control, she felt like she was now back at that time when her stepfather used to denigrate her. His voice was not as pleasant as she first thought it was. His hands on her skin felt like burning flames and she couldn’t handle it anymore. After slapping his hand away though, Elodie froze for a couple of seconds, eyes widened and fixed on the floor, fearing again his reaction. ”Fair enough”, he then said, surprising her once more. The girl moved her gaze to him and subconsciously grabbed the cloth he was handing her. What was she supposed to do with that anyway?

She was once again hypnotized by his movements. It was like a moth captured by a bright light, unaware of the fact that that light meant death. Her breath was getting slower and slower, as if she didn’t want him to notice her presence, even though she was conscious of the fact that he perfectly knew she was there.

His voice woke her up from her trance, but she had some difficulties to grasp the meaning of his words right away. When she did though, she looked at the kit he had placed next to her, then at the cloth in her hands and then back at him. ’I don’t know how to.’ She whispered, a little embarrassed. She never had the chance to get hurt in her whole life so she never really needed to learn how to take care of a wound herself. At the same time, she didn’t want to ask him for help and didn’t want to feel him as close as he was one minute ago. ’It’s okay, I’ll leave it like this.’ Talking was getting harder, her jaw hurting with every sound she made. On the other hand, she was kind of getting used to the pain on her thigh and almost forgot about it. Maybe she could’ve left everything as it was without any consequence.

Elodie never thought she could’ve been so emotional. She had never felt such a wide range of emotions within few minutes and in such an intense way. If on one end, he was making her feel new things, which was the reason why she left Nordshal in the first place, on the other hand, she was feeling completely out of control and she hated that. She never asked to feel pain, she never asked to be scared, surprised, confused, angry, upset, sad and ready to die. She didn’t ask any of that and yet there she was.

”No, if you do, it could infect”, for once, his voice tone didn’t sound as sharp and didn’t hurt as much as it did up until now. He was talking to her calmly and she almost felt like he was really concerned about her health. It was then that she remembered that he was in fact the one who caused that pain, and if he hadn’t done that, she wouldn’t risk to get an infection now. Her thoughts were interrupted by his voice, which felt sharp once again. The girl jumped on the couch when the wound on her thigh felt like it was pierced again and caused a little wave of pain running through her whole body.

Did she want him to touch her again? No. Was she sure of the fact that she could follow the instructions he was willing to give her correctly? Not with her current state of mind. The smartest solution was to let him take care of the problem he himself caused, but she didn’t care about being smart at the moment. All she wanted was to get as far as possible from him, and if that wasn’t possible, then she could’ve at least kept a certain distance from him. ’I’ll do it.’ She finally stated before looking at him with a neutral expression that was trying to hide the growing panic that was building up inside her chest.

Talking was getting annoying, she felt like she couldn’t move her jaw, but she had to make him understand where she was standing in this situation. Thinking about it twice, though, she knew that if he wanted something, he would’ve got that, she understood that pretty well by now. But for now, he looked like he wanted to respect her boundaries and she wanted to take advantage of that and set them pretty high, at least for now that he was willing to stay away from her.

Her eyes widened slightly when she heard him talking about a knife. Of course he had some hidden weapons everywhere. The realisation of that, made her feel extremely unsafe again, right when she was trying to calm down. Also, the fact that he was fine with her having a knife, meant that he didn’t see her as a threat at all, which made her feel even more upset. Nevertheless, she did what he told her and leaned closer to the table to grab the knife. Once she had that in her hands she had to cut the fabric, right? He was still instructing her, telling her what to do, while she was trying to understand how she could’ve cut the fabric of her pants when they were extremely tight without touching the wound.

Cloth, alcohol on the wound, it will sting. She was prepared to all that, but still scared of feeling pain once again, so soon after getting used to it. With her index and thumb, she grabbed her pants and tried to move them as far as she could from her wound, then brought the knife closer. Using only the tip of it, she slowly managed to cut enough fabric off so that she could have a better view of her wound. ’Now take the cloth and clean the wound…’ She whispered to herself without really moving her mouth, while she turned around and took the cloth that she had put down few moments before. Now she had to touch the wound with that cloth and she wasn’t ready for the pain. To avoid that, she tried to slightly pat all around the wound, never really touching it. She didn’t realise she was holding her breath, up until when she finished cleaning the wound and released the air from her mouth. ’Okay, next..’ She sighed silently and turned around again, but in doing that, she met his gaze. She almost forgot he was still in the room and his eyes on her now felt once more like burning flames. Shaking her head and inhaling deeply to calm down again, Elodie took the bottle next to her, but she was now visibly trembling and knew for sure that she couldn’t do that anymore. ’No.’ She said, her tone louder than before. ’I can’t.’ She then stated, putting down the bottle on the table before holding her head between her hands and closing her eyes. All that she wanted was disappear and hoped that somehow, closing her eyes would’ve helped her with that.

That man, standing in front of her was the only reason she was now in a situation where she didn’t know what to do nor what to feel. She was upset, angry, sad, confused, uncomfortable, feeling out of place, feeling pain and that wasn’t at all what she had expected when she decided to turn over a new leaf. She didn’t expect her new leaf to be the same as the previous one, she didn’t expect herself to be the same as before, she thought she was ready.

Clearly, she wasn’t, because as soon as her eyes met the ones of the man who caused all this, she broke down. She was already feeling weak, she honestly didn’t even know how she hadn’t pass out already, given the amount of pain she felt, but now not only her body was weak, but her mind was playing tricks with her and she just couldn’t hold herself up anymore. She tried her best to hide her feelings and once again, whatever she tried to do to hide them, was useless. Everything she did was pointless, she couldn’t even clean her own wounds, she couldn’t take care of herself.

Her safe space, which she thought ended where the man was standing, was now even smaller, given the fact that he got closer to her. His voice didn’t sound threatening at all, but it just woke her fears up once again. He was still telling her what to do and she knew she couldn’t handle any more orders from him. The girl’s eyes weren’t focusing enough for her to understand exactly what was happening, but she suddenly stood up. ’Leave me.’ She said, looking away from him and trying to physically distance herself from that person, she walked up to the farther corner of the room, where she sat and hugged her knees before hiding her face behind them.