Here with you

”I get that. Your purpose is to die for your goals. I had to be reborn to be out of debt so I could start working towards mine”, He said. Little had he known that he wouldn’t even need eternity to achieve it. He had found his brother in less than two weeks since he had left the villa. It was.. Kind of sad. He still wouldn’t have had a choice though. As long as he had lived, he would be in debt with Edmund. To pay it off he had to pay the ultimate price; his life. A price every blood doll eventually paid. Edmund had done him a huge favour by turning him. If it could be considered a favour, of course. He had cursed him with eternal life, but at least he was free.

“But,” She then said. “I would consider it. If there was… a purpose left,” She continued. It was clear she hadn’t given it much thought. Why would she? When she looked at him, he gave her a warm smile. ”If you would.. Ever find a purpose that is worth it, you know..” He said, but he didn’t say anything else. He didn’t dare to suggest it. He didn’t even know if he could do it. Turn her. It felt wrong in every way. Because it would be the most selfish thing he would ever do.

Ever since he had been turned, he had toyed with the same idea. If he would ever find his brother, in time, would he be able to lose him again? Probably not. It would be devastating. Dealing with the loss of someone you loved was as much part of life as dying. But he had eternity. Could he spend an eternity alone, knowing he could have kept his brother with him forever? Could he be selfish enough to turn him, curse him, so he wouldn’t lose him again? Edmund had done the same thing. He had done it with Mort, and with at least three others he had told him about. To sire a fledgling, to at least have someone to spend eternity with.

But Kaspian would say no. He was almost sure of that. He hadn’t asked yet, and he honestly had no idea how to bring up the subject either. Lexa would say the same thing. She had no purpose after death. And she would not do it for him alone. It was something he had thought about as well. Dealing with eternity was only possible if there was a goal. What else was the vampire supposed to do with all that time? If he had been sure Kaspian had died at sea, he would have declined Edmund’s offer as well.

Her voice was so quiet. Without her paint, she looked like the vulnerable woman he had met again. And this time he felt sad for her as well. She had lost and sacrificed so much. The vampire shifted his body, placed his feet on the ground and slowly moved closer to her. Hesitantly he put his arm around her shoulders, resting it lightly against the backrest. He looked down at her and sat in silence for a second. ”You lost yourself along the way, didn’t you?” He said, respectfully. ”I wish your people would realise that as much as I do now”, He continued. ”You live the life they expect from a Commander. It’s not fair.”

Once more he found himself unable to say something useful. He was terrible in giving advice, especially in matters this serious. If he had thought he had been the only one struggling, now he had seen the light. Her life was a fucking tragedy, and he wished he could do something about it. Make her feel better, even if it was only for a moment. Give her hope, like she had given him earlier. Words she could hold on to. Sadly, that wasn’t how he could support her. So he took refuge in the one thing he knew, hoping it would work. He settled himself next to her, offering her physical support. She softly leaned into his embrace, letting go of her breath in a soft sigh.

The young vampire listened to her words, another small history lesson about the Commanders and how they believed their spirit transferred to the next in line. Out of her own experience, she had made another conclusion. ”Is it really though? I didn’t meet the Commander before meeting Lexa. There is someone behind the mask. You’re more than just your people and the urge to protect them”, He objected. ”Yes, you try to take your decisions in a way that you know it will profit them, but you don’t always do that. You wouldn’t sit here with me if you did”, He continued. Was he a bad influence? Probably. Regrets? None.

This conversation turned into a discussion fairly quick. They were a mess, weren’t they? Trying to convince each other of their true identity, while the other denied and tried real hard to only emphasize on the negative. She explained she had only helped him because it had felt like it was her duty. Not because she cared about him. ”So are you trying to say that if we had met on, say, a deserted island, you wouldn’t have helped me?” He asked, calmly. He would take no offence if her answer was affirmative. He would find it hard to believe, though. But he always saw the good in people. ”Those people were beyond your duty though. They were as random to you as they would have been to me. We both chose to protect them. If I’m a good person because of that, then so are you”, He continued. Logic. Check mate.

Patiently he waited for her to figure out what she was trying to say, but there was not really a conclusion. She was confused, obviously. Because he confronted her with the side that wasn’t the Commander. And she was clearly uncomfortable being that person. ”With me you can’t pretend”, He said, lowering the volume of his voice as well. ”And part of you likes that”, He continued. ”Maybe because I accept it all”, He then suggested. It was all a big guess. But he tried to help her look for answers, by giving her another perspective.

Emotions made it hard to think logically. He had to be her voice of reason, and vice versa. He could offer her perspectives she wouldn’t come up with herself. He recognised himself in her, his way of thinking. Once he got stuck in the same pattern, it was really hard to break out of it again. Sometimes he could say smart things. It didn’t happen too often, but it appeared to hit home this time. This time she eased in to him, seeking comfort in his presence. He pulled her in a bit closer, while he gently rubbed her arm.

”I know, it’s your comfort zone. Everyone has that”, He hushed her. ”And of course it’s scary. Just know that I won’t judge you. If you decide to be the Commander and nothing more, I will accept that”, He continued. She would have to think about it. If she wanted to, that was. ”You don’t have to decide right now. Just let me know when you do. If I have to I will leave so you can focus on being what you want to be”, He said. It would hurt, for sure. At least for him. But they couldn’t go on like this. It would tear them both apart in the end.

Two simple words sealed their fate. It was barely a whisper, but he picked it up with ease. She didn’t sound too confident, as if she had say it more on impulse instead of thinking it through. It felt more genuine though, and he couldn’t help but feel relieved. She sighed, but he kept quiet, giving her the time she needed to think it through. When she looked up, he met her gaze with soft blue eyes. The monster was far away, almost tamed by her presence. They both had a huge influence on each other, maybe without realising to which extent.

“I’d much rather ask you to stay.”

A shiver went down his spine, while he couldn’t help but smile even more. ”With pleasure”, He hummed. To prove his point, he pulled himself away from her a little after which he laid down in the corner of the couch. After that, he pulled the her on top of him. His eye caught the white bandage around her hand, followed by the small puncture wound on her wrist. He gently pressed his fingers against them. ”This will.. Be a problem again though”, He sighed softly. He couldn’t run back and forth to Rhoynar, right?

Her answer was the entire opposite of what he had expected. He had prepared for the Commander to send him away. It would have been the best decision for the both of them. The only logical one. The option a Commander would pick, because she put her people first. With the answer she gave, she proved his point. With him, she was not the Commander. She was Lexa. And Lexa would chose to stay with him. There couldn’t have been anything she could have said that would make him more happy.

It seemed like it would be a multiple day stay though, which would cause an issue tomorrow. The bitemark on her arm reminded him of that. According to her, it wouldn’t be a problem. The young vampire hummed again. ”You’re too good to me”, He said softly. ”If I can repay you with anything, please let me know”, He continued. It felt bad to just keep taking it like that.