Counting stars

Of course she saw through it. People who didn't know him could easily be tricked, but Minerva? Minerva knew all it seemed, so there was no point in telling her he was fine when in reailty, he was far from fine. The smile faded again, he let his shoulders slump. For once in a long while, he was Mercury again, the boy who struggled with what other people though of him and their judgements. Who was afraid that every mode he made was a wrong one and that he would be dead by sunrise. Just because of who he was.

''I don't know..'' He started, trying to find his words. The vampire started to fumble with his hands, like he always did when he was nervous and did not know what to say. Which was a rare occurence. ''It's just that feeling again, you know? The feeling that I'm doing something wrong, that I'm just being..'' He managed to produce a sound that was between a chuckle and a scoff, because he knew that what he was about to say, was something Minerva would agree on. ''.. an annoyance.''

Minerva's laugh didn't exactly motivate him to look on the bright side, but he was at least glad she was happy. See, that was all he wanted to do. Make people happy, content, let them feel good. So why would he bother with his own emotions then? If it was about others, his shouldn't matter. So why would he care? Why was he even caring? He pushed that thought away, trying to tell himself that he indeed mattered. If he wasn't happy, how could he make others happy? But his mind didn't seem to care and tugged him back into the darkness of those depressing thoughts.

If he was here for a reason, that reason better should show himself fast. Mercury had been living for almost 700 years now, it was about time he fully understood his purpose. ''I'm great at thinking.'' He tried to argue, but they both knew that he wasn't. He could be, he just didn't care enough. His mind was too fast and too distracted all the time. But then he nodded again, getting the point. It was stupid to think like this. So why was he doing it? ''it just feels like I'm not living up to her expectations, like I should be better than this. I shouldn't be running around chasing animals get hurt everytime.. I should..'' His voice trailed off again, his eyes aimlessly searching over the grass in front of him. What should he be?

Even though he had lived for centuries now, he was still a boy. He was still stuck in the mindset of someone who hadn't even reached his twenties yet. And although he had his clear and serious moments, those moments were scarce and gone just as fast as they had appeared. It was as if all the important things happening around him didn't reach him. Why would he care? He would live on anyway. It was contradicting his mindset. He should care, after all he just wanted the best for the people. Not just the Commoners or the Mountain Men, no, he wanted the best for everyone who crossed his path. Regardless of their attitude towards him.

Minerva's question made him fall silent, a rare occurence. Mercury wasn't sure what to respond, trying to form words, but none of them felt worthy enough to be spoken. After a short while he shook his head. ''Not really, but i think she knew that I knew what I was supposed to be. But my title suggests enough.'' He spoke with a soft tone. And here he was, not commanding any peace that was for sure. How could he when he didn't even have peace in his own damn head?

“Mother saw a truly good person inside of you, Mercy,” Those words stung. He didn't know why, maybe because he thought she was lying? But Minerva rarely did, she was just too harsh to do so. His mismatched eyes met hers, unsure yet they showed that he wanted to believe her. It just didn't happen. Mercury knew he had to try harder, he was centuries old now, he couldn't just give up, that would be incredibly stupid. He had a duty to partake, he had to be there for other people. They mattered, not him.

The Commander shrugged and looked away again. Even though it didn't bring him any rest, holding hands felt good. Maybe it did help, maybe his own magic had an influence on him. Or maybe it was all just in his head, probably the last thing. ''It just.. doesn't feel right.'' Mercury spoke after some silence. It truly didn't. It felt like he wasn't living up to expectations, whatever they were. ''But I'll try.'' He eventually added, a lot softer and it sounded like he didn't really mean it, but it was progress, right?

Mercury fell silent, a quirk of the boy that rarely happened. It meant he was either thinking or.. just kind of wanted to disappear. Normally, talking and thinking were paired together as he rambled on and on, his thoughts immediately being formed to words. It was on those moments that he just pushed all the bad things away and hoped nobody noticed as well. But now, being silent and thinking meant he actually gave himself the time to go over the words stuck in his head. Some were bad, some were good and an awful lot were useless.

Minerva's words had to be motivational and he appreciated that she tried so hard to cheer him up, but they both knew Minerva wasn't the kind of person that could do that. He needed Apollo for this, or maybe Diana. But he still cared for her and he cared for the fact that she worried about him. The vampire softly squeezed her hand as he felt a little lightheaded. How long were they holding hands now? It had been some time since he had used his magic and he could feel the toll creeping up on him. ''Are you saying that she also is a catlover?'' He spoke with a wide grin in an effort to ease up the situation. I mean, Ceres hoarding cats. Perhaps her tomb attracted cats as well? That would be a sight to see.