Why we lose

Everything she was telling him, he had to just accept as the truth. He had no idea how it felt to be drunk. Or remotely tipsy. He couldn’t relate to the feeling of escaping reality from time to time either. Maybe only when he was dreaming. When there were no nightmares. But a vampire.. Didn’t sleep. So there was no dreaming either. ”I’ll take your word for it”, He chuckled. The life of a vampire was pretty boring, actually. He knew some could get a thrill out of hunting, but he was repulsed only by the idea.

The bar she had picked was ideal. Not too crowded, and it didn’t seem like the other guests were too interested in them when they walked in. Mort sat down on the opposite end of the table. He was sitting with his back towards the bar, but he trusted she would warn him in time if someone was sneaking up on him. He kept his eyes on her while she was scanning the room. It was interesting to observe her going on with her routines. She eventually shifted her attention back to him though. “So please, Mort. What is your story?” She asked. Ah. Of course.

The young vampire thought about it for a second. How could he keep this short? She probably wanted to hear about how and why he was turned. ”Uuh, to keep it simple.. I was eight years old when I lost my family at sea”, He started of. Not the entire truth, but it was not a lie either. ”A ship found me and they took me to a vampire in a foreign land. He took me in and raised me as his own kid, basically”, He continued, to take his mind off of the horrible memories of that one day. ”He was very kind, not only to me, but also to the people that lived in his house. They were a part of the same deal I explained earlier”, He said. ”But all comes with a price. I was in debt with him as well. When I was sixteen, I started paying him back in the same way. It wasn’t too horrible. He was always very careful, never took too much. But eventually everyone starts to suffer from the consequences. I was slowly dying. So in the end, when I was twenty-one, he gave me a choice. He could release me from my suffering by either killing me or turning me”, He sighed. It had been one of the hardest decisions in his life. ”I chose the second option, obviously. He then taught me his ways, how to behave, how to feed. I was a mess in my first year, but I slowly learned to control myself. When I was ready, I could leave. My debt was paid in full. And now I’m here”, He concluded the story with a little nod. His story was not one of bloodshed. And he was proud of it too.

This was the first time he ever told his story to a stranger. It was a strange feeling. It put everything in a perspective he hadn’t really thought about yet. How he had made it this far, how he had achieved things he had never thought he would. And at the same time, he hadn’t done much either. He had lived in the same house with the same people for almost twenty years. Fair, every now and then Edmund had to replace the blood dolls. But he never met people that had no idea of what the elder vampire was. His youth had gone by so quickly, and seemed pale in contrast with the time he had spent as a blood doll himself.

Being addicted to vampire venom.. Waiting for the next fix. In the end, asking for it. It was the reason why all blood dolls eventually died. The elder had shared that he used to set them free before it really meant their end. But almost everyone came back, begging for it. So had he. Though Mort had been the first one to be turned in a very long time. Probably because he had been living with Edmund almost all his life, and they had a better bond than the others usually had.

But he hadn’t chosen to be turned to stay with Edmund. Of course he saw him as a father figure. It didn’t mean he could replace his family. The main reason he had accepted the offer, was because it would give him a chance to go look for them. Especially his brother. It would also give him time. Hopefully enough time to find Kaspian before it was too late. “Sounds like you’ve handled your situation quite well,” She spoke after a brief silence. His blue eyes met hers again. “I am glad to see you are trying to live without turning yourself into a monster. It must be harsh.” She continued. He only shrugged. ”I refuse to be one”, He simply said. ”I have not taken a single life, and I would like to keep it that way”, He continued. Fair, Edmund had to kill some of his prey because he had accidentally messed them up so badly. That blood was on his hands as well. But killing someone himself? Never.

After his words, he fell quiet for a second. His enhanced hearing had picked up a heartbeat coming closer, accompanied by footsteps. A female pace, he determined. Probably the waitress. In the corner of his eyes, he saw her appear to take their order. Lexa ordered two waters. The lady walked back to the counter to fetch the glasses. Mort focused on the other again, but she didn’t say anything for a few minutes. He wondered what she was thinking. He probably wasn’t the man she expected him to be. Had it surprised her so much she was out of words?

“Sadly I’ve killed more people than I wish to count.”

Her confession made him clench his jaw tightly. Why did she do it? Did she have her reasons? Or did she do it just because she could? She didn’t seem like someone who would do that. It had to be justified. Was it even possible to justify murder? Could it be forgiven if you had an actual reason? He didn’t know. Probably because he couldn’t understand either. He couldn’t understand how. How one could get into that mindset where they could just take a life. All these thoughts bounced through his head, and he had this puzzled expression in his eyes. As if he was doing a difficult math problem and he tried to figure out how to solve it. ”Why?” He finally asked, releasing the pressure in his jaw by speaking. His eyes were fixed on her, and her answer. This time it would be her words that could possibly mean the end of one of them.

Never could he imagine someone like her killing people for fun. She had not doubted to sacrifice herself to him, a vampire, to keep the people in these streets safe tonight. Not even her people, as she had told him. They were as strange and random to her as they were to him. The whole image he had of her, impended to be shattered if she couldn’t give him a satisfying answer. And he didn’t know if he could handle the disappointment. His reaction was unpredictable. He hadn’t killed and he meant it when he said that he didn’t plan on changing that. But he would not longer want to spend a second in her presence, knowing that she was in fact the monster that should be feared.

“Do you want the long or the short story?” She reacted to his single word question. “Prepare to sit here for a while if it is the longer one you want.” She continued. Before he could reply, the waitress came back, putting two glasses in front of them. He nodded a thank you and looked back at Lexa. He crossed his arms in front of him on the table. ”I am immortal. I have eternity”, He replied. He would try to keep an open mind, as he always did. She deserved that.

In the short time they had spent together today, he felt like they had made some sort of connection. It was probably because she had fed him. It was a familiar feeling, but at the same time something new. More intense. He felt like he had made a friend. The first one in years. He had never really had friends that weren’t his family in a way. His brother was his first friend. Then he had become friends with the people that lived at Edmund’s place. But none of them were there out of free will, and only tried to make their time there as bearable as possible. She was the first stranger he bonded with. And already he was faced with a challenge. Could he put his own values aside to accept hers?

The story was indeed long. It was horrific. Now he understood why people called them Savages. It almost looked like a history lesson. Edmund used to teach him in that subject. Most of the time, it were stories of barbaric practises. Murder, torture, war. This story was not different. It was tragic. She had been forced into her lifestyle because she had no proper guidance. Something that would have happened to him too if it hadn’t been for Edmund. She had been forced to participate in a Conclave, organised by the elders of her people. People that were supposed to protect her and the other children.

“I killed my friends at age fourteen.”

Mort felt a sharp sting in his chest, where his heart used to beat. She had done it for survival. Because if she had chosen not to kill them, she would have been the one dead now. Didn’t he do exactly the same thing? Didn’t he chose to become a monster to stay alive too? For a while he stared at his own hands, processing the information. Finally he looked up to meet her gaze again. He tried really hard not to judge her. ”I could understand. You had no choice. You had to survive”, He spoke softly. ”But why? Why do they make their children do that? What’s the point?” He continued, the tone in his voice disapproving, but still soft.

While she was talking, Mort forgot to fake his breathing. He was just sitting there, like a statue. Normally he would pay attention to moving around every now and then, to appear more human. But now he was purely focused on her and what she was saying. She revealed she was actually the Commander of Vanaheim. Basically the person in charge. That she had been chosen to lead the people. How she had been trained by the previous Commander, and forced into a mindset of hate and exclusion towards strangers. More killing had to happen. Because she realised she was doing wrong, and her people were following her into this destructive behaviour.

When she talked about having a change of heart, he nodded once. There was no reason not to believe her. Deep down he knew she was telling the truth. She sounded devastated. Hopelessly trying to find a solution, but unable to. Her devotion to her people was sincere, but they wouldn’t accept it. Only because she thought differently. Because she wanted to stop the unnecessary violence. Before it would make more innocent victims. It seemed like an impossible task. But she had set her hope on convincing her successor.

”If you sit down with them and tell them the same thing you just told me, they will believe you”, He said, barely a whisper. He was really overwhelmed by everything right now. ”Because I do”, He clarified. Yes, it had been enough for him to accept it. Why she killed people. She was not a monster. She was just one person, facing the entire world all by herself. ”I’m sorry you’re in this position”, He carefully said. ”But maybe your God really chose you. Because she knew you could make a difference”, He continued. He didn’t want to assume anything. Didn’t want to interpret and explain her own faith to her. But maybe it would give her some courage. She really looked like she needed it.

The way this situation had developed, had surprised him. Her intention was to get to know him better. And yes, he had shared his story. But then the whole conversation had shifted towards her. She had promised him a long story and she had delivered. With the information he had now, he could finally understand her so much better. Maybe it hadn’t been her intention to expose so much of herself and her people. But he was glad she had. Mort wasn’t one to base his opinions on people on loose facts and rumours. Now he had all he needed. Lexa was not a monster. Even though she had taken many lives, he didn’t lose his respect for her.

The vampire eased into his chair again, relaxing his muscles. Now she offered him her next problem. She would have to organise a Conclave to figure out who was going to be her Second. More bloodshed. The tip of his tongue darted to trace the upper curve of his mouth. ”If you don’t host it, wouldn’t all the sacrifices you made be for nothing though?” He carefully suggested. ”If this turns out right.. It might be the last Conclave ever held”, He continued, sharing his thoughts.

It was his nature to find the positive in the most negative situations. Hers was pretty dire. He wouldn’t want to be in her position. She had to make decisions like this, and she had been doing that since she was a child. His past wasn’t the best either, but it was far from as bad as hers. He truly felt sorry for her, and he wished he could say or do something to free her from her pain and sadness. That was also one of his personality traits. If he could help others, he felt the most satisfaction. Because he had a purpose. So he offered his thoughts on the matter, in the hope she would find courage in them to push through the things she was dealing with now.

When she talked about losing a part of herself, he knew exactly what that felt like. She seemed so vulnerable right now, and all he wanted to do was hug her. But he felt like that could be too much for her. So he limited his support to simply placing his hand on top of hers. ”I understand how you feel. I lost my brother. We got separated at sea. I failed to hold on to him. It’s not the same, because I don’t believe he is dead. But he is gone either way”, He told her, his voice a low hum as he kept the volume down. ”But I’m sure he wants me to come and find him. To not give up on him”, He continued, pulling the corner of his mouth up in a little smile. ”Your friends believe in you, too. So they have not died in vain. So the children that die in their conclave, will not die needless deaths either. It will be their last service to you, their Commander. You should honour them by supporting the one that lives. You know what it’s like. Prepare him”, He continued. Hopefully his advice wouldn’t be too blunt for her. He was an outsider, but in a way, it could be a useful perspective.