Everything is wrong

wo jul 04, 2018 12:03 am

Surrounded, but always alone

So pick a place, pretend it's home

The higher you climb, the further you fall. But don't be ashamed of wanting it all. Cause the view from the top is beautiful but fleeting. Looks can be deceiving

‘I can’t love you right now.’

These were words that would haunt her in her sleep. Her body trembled as the truth worked its way into her brain. It was like a poison, slowly dripping into her veins. Reality and nightmare were no longer separate. She was alone. After all this time, after all these times he had told her he’d be here for her when she woke up, she knew he wouldn’t. Not anymore. His words had been clear, cutting through the rose colored glass like a diamond. It hurt. Like a knife had carved a piece of her heart out. That one piece that had been holding her together for weeks now. The piece she had held onto herself like it was all she had. And perhaps it was true. Because she wasn’t a good person. She never had been. She had done things that no sane person would ever do, had deaths on her name to get what she wanted. She had tortured, killed and robbed, just to get herself through the day. Just to get what she wanted to have. A terrible person at best, yet she had believed, even for a mere moment, that she too had a chance. A chance to not end up alone. Like Giovanni had always told her she would. After all this time, he had been right. How could she have doubted him?

‘I love you Allison, I really do…’

She wasn’t quite sure what hurt more. The fact that he told her that first, or what had come right after. Just hearing his words in her head caused her hand to find its way to her head, entangling her fingers in her hair as she walked on. Her feet seemed to carry her in a certain direction, one she didn’t even think of. Like a magnet, Kaz would have pulled her towards her in any other moment. Even when she wouldn’t have told him her problems, she would have been able to smile at him. Because all she needed him to do was be there. She didn’t need him to magically solve her problems. All she needed was to know he would be there to catch her when she fell. Because she did, so hard. And this time, he had been the one to drop her. And she wasn’t strong enough to land on her feet.

‘Take care of yourself.’

Weak. That’s what she was. Because even that one simple thing, she couldn’t do. For most of her life, she had relied on Giovanni to fix her. He had told her, time and time again, that there was no fixing what was broken. He could simply hold it together and carry her to where she needed to be, but she was a mess that couldn’t be fixed. And perhaps that was why she was alone now. Like he had predicted she would be. Like she had known all along. And yet, with the world crashing down on her, her feet had brought her to someone’s door. Someone who didn’t deserve what she was about to do. He didn’t need her to cry on his shoulder. She had done nothing to deserve that. Yet, it was the only thing she could do. Because she didn’t know where else to go. Not this time. Not now.

‘I need you to leave.’

A short knock, before she opened the door. And she just stood there, without a word. Her gaze met those of the man she had found in her weakest moment, before she finally broke down. She brought her other hand to her hair too and fell on her knees, now fully sobbing. As if there had still been this slightest chance that it wasn’t real until the moment she had opened this door. But it was all real. It was all so, so real. And she had fucked it up. Every single part of it.

“I’m so sorry.”

NOTES, this post is a mess.
TAGS, mort

FL*

wo jul 04, 2018 1:24 am

THERE IS LOVE AND HATE

but this was in between

A vampire didn’t sleep. It had left him alone with his thoughts for a while now. If he wasn’t wrong, he had seen the sun set, rise and now it was setting again. He was still sitting in the exact same spot as the night before, in silence, while he tried his hardest to focus his mind on anything else than the image of his brother collapsing at the gate earlier that day. It was impossible. It was just too vivid, too real, too close. Allison had sent him to his room the previous night, and he had obliged without any protest. He could imagine that the last person Kaz wanted to see right now, was him. As he was the reason why he had been going through that horrible torture in the first place. How had it ever gotten this far?

If he had given her the location of their sire, this wouldn’t have happened. It was the only other thought that was going through his head right now. He had made a mistake, and he had paid for it. Though he hadn’t expected it to go like this. If anyone had deserved to be tortured like that, it would have been him. Because he would have given in right away. His brother had always been much stronger than he was. If he had been in his place, where he belonged, perhaps it wouldn’t have gotten out of control this bad. Or she would have killed him. Now he realised there was nothing the other fledgling wouldn’t do to get what she wanted. And it scared him.

But Edmund was on his way. He would know what to do. He would show up and fix everything, because that was what he had promised. If he ever needed help he would do whatever was in his power to pull through for him. And now he needed him more than anything. To comfort him, to keep him safe. Not only him, but also his brother and Allison. They hadn’t deserved this. He would make sure the threat to the both of them would be taken care of. He didn’t know how, but it was not up to him to come up with a plan. That’s where his sire would help them out.

A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts, finally. Even though he hadn’t moved for over 24 hours, he turned his head towards the door effortlessly. His blue gaze met hers, and he immediately knew something was wrong. When she fell down, he pushed himself off the bed and rushed towards her. Slight panic was gripping at his throat as he knelt down. Her sobs ripped straight through his heart. Without thinking he gave the door a push, so it closed behind them, before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his embrace. ”It’s alright, I got you, it’s okay”, He mumbled quietly while he softly rubbed her back to give her some comfort.

wo jul 04, 2018 1:36 am

Surrounded, but always alone

So pick a place, pretend it's home

The higher you climb, the further you fall. But don't be ashamed of wanting it all. Cause the view from the top is beautiful but fleeting. Looks can be deceiving

Mort didn’t deserve what she was throwing at him. It was like he kept suffering because of her. She had treated him like shit when Kaz had been turned into a vampire and yet, now, she had let her feet carry her to his door, not even giving him the chance to deny. And even when she arrived, she had no clue what she was doing here. All she knew was that he felt like family, more than she had ever had. And even without the ring on her finger, he did. Because he had stuck with them. Because he had shown to have a heart that might not beat, but was still in the right spot. He loved more than she ever could and at this point, was the one who, as she had subconsciously decided, could help her through this. Because she felt like everything was wrong.

Mort didn’t even question it. She could feel his arms wrap around her, only causing her to sob louder. His words, she could hear. But they didn’t make sense. Nothing was okay and nothing was going to be. She had lost the one thing she was holding onto and she had no idea what to do now. He had been the one thread to keep her from falling apart completely, especially after losing Giovanni. And now she was here, fallen apart. Nothing to keep her together anymore. Too weak herself to pick up the pieces and move on. Miserable, as she’d forever be.

“H-He,” she tried to start, in an effort to explain the situation in the midst of all the sobbing. She raised her right hand, staring at the empty spot, where her wedding ring had been earlier. “He’s…” She couldn’t explain. Because every time she even thought of doing so, his words came back to her. The words she’d have to repeat to Mort.

‘I can’t love you.’

“I fucked up.”

NOTES, ~
TAGS, mort

FL*

wo jul 04, 2018 1:54 am

THERE IS LOVE AND HATE

but this was in between

The last person he had ever expected to come knocking at his door in a condition like this, was Allison. She was so obviously broken he could almost feel her hurt. He had expected the whole situation would take a toll on her. On all of them. But not like this. Right after the vampire had delivered Kaz to them, it had seemed like she was perfectly capable of keeping it together. Motivated to fix it, or at least as much as she could. She would take care of her husband and he would take care of the castle. That had been their deal. Up until now he had thought she would be the one to push through as long as she had a goal. He had been wrong. But could he blame her? No. Of course not. What she had been through, would break people way before it had broken her.

With his arms around her, he tried his best to calm her down. He felt helpless, as his attempt seemed to fail miserably. She gasped for air as she tried to explain a couple of times. Not a lot of words were coming out though, but when she held up her hand, he noticed how their wedding ring was gone. Oh no. Oh no. “I fucked up.” She finally managed to say, a coherent sentence that would make his heart skip a beat if it had been functioning still. ”Allison..” He sighed, sadness audible in his voice. ”I’m so sorry”, He continued, while he held on to her a little tighter. She had fallen apart and in that moment he knew it would be up to him to pick up the pieces and put them back together.

It was not a position he had expected himself to be in. Yes, they had been bonding a bit over the past few days, but this was way beyond their comfort zone. It was a step close friends would take, not two people who had barely had three conversations. But he wouldn’t step away from this. He refused to. ”I’m right here”, He said, in an attempt to reassure her. ”Let’s get you off the floor alright”, He continued, not waiting for her to make a move as he readjusted his grip on her and picked her up without any effort. He sat down on the bed, keeping her on his lap as he did. This.. This would take time too.

wo jul 04, 2018 2:08 am

Surrounded, but always alone

So pick a place, pretend it's home

The higher you climb, the further you fall. But don't be ashamed of wanting it all. Cause the view from the top is beautiful but fleeting. Looks can be deceiving

There was no part of her that could consider Kaz’ situation in this moment. Had she been strong enough to pull herself together before this had happened, she would have maybe fought him. Told him that it was the older vampire speaking. That he could, or that she would stick until the day where he could. Because she loved him and she believed that he loved her too. Even when he felt weak, broken, too distanced from himself to know where he was going. She would have fixed things, would have fixed him. Rather than allow him to break her apart with him, unable to even fix herself. Giovanni had been right all along. She was weak.

Mort apologized, but she shook her head. No. It wasn’t the situation that had torn them apart, it was them. If she had been stronger, this would have all been fine. It was her weakness that made her incapable of being what Kaz needed. Or, perhaps he just didn’t love her like she loved him. She didn’t know which one of the two options was better. The first led to a faint hope that she could somehow fix this. That, if she pulled herself together, she could get him to love her again. Because then she would be what he needed. And that hope would be crushed, because in reality… The second option sounded way more plausible. Yet, she chose to believe the first. Because she truly was too weak to handle the truth.

“I’m sorry,” she told him again, minutes after he sat down on the bed. “I’m so sorry.” There was very little else she could get over her lips. Because she was sorry. For not keeping her promise of sticking with Kaz, no matter what. For not being enough for his brother. For being unable to fix what she had so proudly claimed she would. For being a failure in general. And, of course… “I don’t…” Sorry for coming here. As she had no clue why.

NOTES, ~
TAGS, mort

FL*

wo jul 04, 2018 2:28 am

THERE IS LOVE AND HATE

but this was in between

What had gotten into Kaz’ mind? Was he actually so far gone that he had broken up with his wife? His hope was fading fast. If there had been anyone that could fix his brother, it would have been Allison. Now she was here in his room, crying her heart out. Fair, they had both known it wouldn’t be easy to get through to him. The torture had messed him up badly. Now he was reflecting that pain to the people that were the closest to him. It was the same old coping mechanism he had seen in him countless of times. Pushing away the people around him because he thought he didn’t deserve their help and support. He was wrong. If anyone was to be supported and loved, it was him. He knew both Allison and him would go to the end of the world for him if he asked them. He just needed to let them behind his walls and allow them to offer whatever it would take to make him feel better.

For now, she was the one who actually accepted him. At her weakest she had come to him and he would not let her down. Without saying anything, he sat on the bed with her, faking his breathing so she could perhaps sync up with his and calm down a bit. It seemed to work. After a couple of minutes, she still looked miserable but at least she was capable of talking again. She apologised, he wasn’t quite sure for what. ”Don’t say that, you don’t have to be sorry”, He replied carefully. He wasn’t really sure how to react, as he had never been in a situation like this. It was a fragile balance. If he said the wrong words, he could push her right over the edge again.

The vampire gave her some more space now, as he hoped the worst part was over. He still kept his arms around her though. An indication that this was a safe space and he would protect her if she needed him to. From what, was a whole other question he couldn’t answer right now. He just knew deep inside she was important, not only to his brother, but also to him. All he wanted, was for her to feel better. Then he would have to know what was wrong though. ”If you’re ready, could you maybe explain what happened?” He asked softly, trying his hardest not to sound as if he would put any pressure on her if she wasn’t capable of doing so.

wo jul 04, 2018 12:30 pm

Surrounded, but always alone

So pick a place, pretend it's home

The higher you climb, the further you fall. But don't be ashamed of wanting it all. Cause the view from the top is beautiful but fleeting. Looks can be deceiving

Ready. Would she ever be? In this moment, she felt like she wouldn’t. Never would she be ready to admit what she had lost. There had been a time where she considered herself strong. She had deemed herself invincible. No one could get to her. After all, she had everything she needed. A future that was better than her past and a present that was filled with possibilities. And while her boss had been looking over her shoulder, ready to judge her every action… He had also been there to catch her when she’d fall. He would have never allowed her to get herself into this mess, would have pulled her out right before she went in too deep. Perhaps life would be different then. Maybe then, she would have still had a goal in mind. Because now, the future seemed bleak.

But, she would have also missed the good times. A thought, hidden deep inside of her. It still wanted to fight for what they had. Because she knew he loved her, just like she loved him. Perhaps not the same, maybe not even as much. But, he did. And she did. What else did they need? It wasn’t easy, but his arms were the first place she had ever felt at home. Was she ready to give that up? Was he truly ready to give that up? She could feel the sheer hope gnawing at her heart, tearing away pieces as she tore it down herself. He had been clear. It was hopeless. Right?

“I said I’d fight for him,” she finally spoke. Her voice hoarse, as if she hadn’t spoken in days. “But…” How could she fight for someone who didn’t want to be fought for? How could you hold someone when they pushed you away? She tried to keep pulling, but it was difficult. Because at one point, you needed to accept that it truly wasn’t what the other wanted. And she felt like they had reached that point today. The point of no return. “He told me…” She needed to stop for a moment, taking a deep breath in, keeping herself from breaking down again. “He pushed me away.” In the worst way possible.

NOTES, ~
TAGS, mort

FL*

wo jul 04, 2018 2:31 pm

THERE IS LOVE AND HATE

but this was in between

His instincts urged him to help her, one way or another. It was just his personality to protect the people he cared about. Not like Edmund did. Not physically. Rather giving them support emotionally, if they needed him to. Which was sometimes a harder task than to just beat someone up who had wronged his friends. Giving advice could go two ways; either it helped or it made it worse. He truly hoped he could come up with something useful, for once. Because it was important. They would have to keep each other strong, as they couldn’t rely on Kaz right now. She had told him how she needed him, but he was the person who had caused this. So that left him to pick up the pieces and put her back together. Was he ready for such an important task?

Perhaps as ready as she was to tell him what happened. But he had to know, at some point. If not today, then it was fine. He would be patient, as usual. For a moment, the thought occurred he could go talk to Kaz, but that wouldn’t be a smart idea either. He still had no idea how his brother felt about him now, and he could fuck up the situation even more if he went to talk to him. Slowly, she started talking though. It wasn’t the clearest of explanations, but he could kind of fill in the gaps for himself. He knew how Kaz reacted to the people around him when he was feeling bad. He had been on that end a couple of times too.

Now Allison had been the target. And it had messed her up real bad. ”It’s what he does when he is hurt”, He replied. ”It’s how he keeps himself safe from getting hurt even more”, He continued. It felt bad to talk about his brother like this, but it might give her a bit of hope. ”I noticed that it’s best to keep some distance when it happens, give him some space. Lay low for a bit and make him feel comfortable again. Eventually he will realise he was wrong to do so and he will come back”, He tried to reassure her. After all, hadn’t he forgiven him for cursing him as well?

wo jul 04, 2018 3:42 pm

Surrounded, but always alone

So pick a place, pretend it's home

The higher you climb, the further you fall. But don't be ashamed of wanting it all. Cause the view from the top is beautiful but fleeting. Looks can be deceiving

As if the situation itself wasn’t bad enough, her mind kept going over it. Wondering what it meant. If it was truly the end, or if there was a chance that she could still get the man she loved so much back. Because he wasn’t the one who had told her to leave. It had been the remains, whatever had been left of him. The parts that once loved her - were they still there? Time and time again, they had told themselves they weren’t made for eachother. They were black and white, hellfire and water. Especially in this moment, where she had burned with the desire to help him, he had only been the water to extinguish this flame. Her touch was warm, while his was cold. But instead of it pushing her away, she had allowed it to make her feel like he was her other half. So now, sitting here, she didn’t just feel broken hearted. It felt like there was a huge part missing.

Mort’s words caused her to hear Kaz’ voice again, telling her to leave. Telling her how he couldn’t love her anymore. No… “He’s not,” she whispered, sounding more defeated than she ever had. “Not this time.” No, she couldn’t keep giving herself hopes. There was no way she could allow herself to crumble, to have him be the only one capable of picking up the pieces. She had allowed him to be once before and that time too, he had left. A promise was made and broken. While the situation was a whole lot different, that didn’t get fixed easily.

“He told me…” she started, biting her lip to the point where she could almost taste the blood. The tears had stopped and at this point, she started to feel more numb than anything. And somehow, she knew that was worse. “He told me he can’t love me anymore.” He wasn’t coming back. Maybe to Mort, but not to her.

NOTES, ~
TAGS, mort

FL*

wo jul 04, 2018 4:12 pm

THERE IS LOVE AND HATE

but this was in between

His advice was probably terrible. There was a message he wanted to communicate to her, yet he failed to put it into the right words. As usual. If she could only read his mind. See the situation from his point of view. Unfortunately, she was too upset and too overwhelmed with emotions to think in a logical way right now. Which he completely understood. When she repeated the words Kaz had said to her, he could feel his own heart being crushed. He couldn’t imagine the hurt she was feeling, nor could he grasp what it had done to her. She had fallen apart. Lost all hope. Otherwise she wouldn’t have come to him, of all people. There had to be a way to give her courage to push through this.

”I don’t want to sound rude, so sorry if I do, but I don’t think you should pay much attention to what he is saying right now”, He said, his gaze dropping to the floor in front of them. ”The person in your room right now is not the man you married. He has been through so much, more than I would have been able to take. He is weakened, but still strong. Kaz is still in there, somewhere. And we will find a way to get him back, I swear to you. But we can’t give up on him, not like he has given up on himself”, He continued, softly placing his hand on her knee as he spoke. ”And I will not give up on you either. Kaz wouldn’t want me to”, He said, firmly. As he believed in his own words. He had felt the same way about coming back to Rhoynar, to find him.

wo jul 04, 2018 5:10 pm

Surrounded, but always alone

So pick a place, pretend it's home

The higher you climb, the further you fall. But don't be ashamed of wanting it all. Cause the view from the top is beautiful but fleeting. Looks can be deceiving

Why was he doing this? Mort was the good guy, he wasn’t supposed to be the one holding her heart, attempting to crush whatever remained of it. False hopes weren’t going to cut it. Not this time. Because even if he were to regret his words, when would that be? Would it be a few days from now, or would it be long after she had died? Kaz was immortal, where she was not. And no matter how much she felt for the man, she could not live her life in agony, waiting for a man that wasn’t coming. And if he did. If he somehow made his way back, showing her that smile that just… By the Gods. That smile that gave her hope, hope that everything would be alright. If he did, would it be real? Or would it be waiting for the heartbreak again? Would she ever be able to trust his promises again? Or anyones, for that matter? Because people left. No matter how much you tried to keep them where they were.

What she needed to do, was shut herself off from it. After all of this, Giovanni had been right. She was too weak to be able to depend on someone else, because she would break the moment they left. She had to fix herself. Exactly like Kaz had told her. Take care of herself. Because if she wasn’t even capable of doing that, how could she possibly care for him? By the time Mort had finished talking, she knew that his words meant nothing. Kaz had given her a poison and she had taken it. She had allowed herself to ingest the poison. And it had worked. She could feel it in her veins, spreading through her heart. The fire had been extinguished and there was one question in her mind that she would have never asked before.

“Why?”

NOTES, ~
TAGS, mort

FL*

wo jul 04, 2018 5:57 pm

THERE IS LOVE AND HATE

but this was in between

The pressure to hold on to hope was bigger than ever. If it hadn’t been for her, he would have given up yesterday too. She had been the one to convince him that not everything was lost just yet. Giving him the peptalk he needed to keep himself together. Because Kaz would need him later on. He had to be a solid rock for once, so his brother could build himself up again. His faith in the future, his trust in him, it had to be unbreakable. And Allison had the same duty. They would do this together, and guarantee the recovery of the person they both loved so much. Not like this though. If she didn’t get through this, Kaz would drag her down with him and vice versa.

“Why?”

The hardest question to answer, ever. It made him inhale deeply and exhale slowly, even though he didn’t even need to. Could he come up with a satisfying answer? Perhaps what was the truth, wouldn’t be what she wanted or needed to hear right now. It were all different possibilities and he could again completely make or break her with the choice he made. Was it a risk he could take? No. Not today, not now. ”I can’t answer that. You have to find out by yourself. There is one thing I do know though”, He finally replied. ”The answer you might find now, might be distorted by how you are feeling. Just like his judgement is clouded by his emotions. Decisions made by broken people aren't usually the right ones”, He continued. If he had learned one thing, it was not to believe the voice fueled by sadness or anger.

wo jul 04, 2018 7:14 pm

Surrounded, but always alone

So pick a place, pretend it's home

The higher you climb, the further you fall. But don't be ashamed of wanting it all. Cause the view from the top is beautiful but fleeting. Looks can be deceiving

Again, her mind was a mess. If she had truly been ready to give up on Kaz, she would have never found her way to the door of his brother. She didn’t want to. Of course she didn’t. With all her heart, she loved the man she married. Whether he was happy or sad, broken or whole. She had made a promise. If she could handle him being a vampire, she could handle him broken and bruised. Never had it even occurred to her to leave him in a time like this. Not because she was strong, not because she thought she was able to help. But because she wanted to be the person he could depend on, like he had been to her.

Yet, this false hope was going to be the end of her. And it was in self-preservation that she had decided that there was another option. If he couldn’t love her in this moment, or perhaps never again, then who was she to hold on? Why hold someone who doesn’t want to be held? Perhaps she hadn’t been on his mind during his imprisonment and that was the reason he realized he never loved her to begin with. They had moved fast, with the wedding and all. The poison in her mind got rid of all the positive thoughts, gave her nothing but pessimism where she had once been so sure everything would turn out alright.

“At what point do we give up?” she asked Mort, finally looking at him again. “At what point are we fighting for ourselves instead of for him?” As she spoke, her voice disappeared, turning the words into nothing but a faint whisper. Decisions made by broken people aren’t usually the right ones. She had been broken all along. So was this all a mistake? “If he says he can’t…” If he couldn’t love her, wasn’t she being unfair if she kept holding on? Wasn’t it space he needed?

NOTES, ~
TAGS, mort

FL*

wo jul 04, 2018 8:36 pm

THERE IS LOVE AND HATE

but this was in between

If there was one question that could not be answered, it was the one she was asking him now. Because everyone had a different view on situations, formed their own opinions. He could come up with a thousand reasons why or why not, but those wouldn’t necessarily match up with hers. So he just admitted he had no clear answer for her. He wouldn’t tell her things just to make her feel better. If he said anything, it was because he believed it was true in his heart. Following it more than he thought logically. One day it would backfire. It had in the past. Yet he didn’t learn. It was just too hard not to, as it was simply a part of who he was. He would be a whole different person if he ignored what it was telling him, rather making decisions based on logic.

Another question. Again, the answer could be different depending on who she would ask. But tonight, she asked him. ”I think if that moment comes you will know it in your heart”, He said. ”Or that’s how I would judge”, He continued. It was a personal thing for sure. ”His life is connected to yours. If you fight for yourself, you fight for him too. And the other way around”, He then said. Even after he had basically cast her aside tonight, he knew Kaz would not be able to ban her out of his mind.

“If he says he can’t…” She said, and he bit down on his tongue. What he was about to say, could ruin it even more. But he had to. Because, again, he knew it was true. ”He learned how to love you when his heart was not beating anymore. I’m sure he will find a way to love you when his heart is broken too”, He said slowly, thinking the words through as he spoke them. She would just have to be patient.. And stay hopeful. Which would be the hardest task, yet he believed she was actually capable of doing so.

wo jul 04, 2018 9:21 pm

Surrounded, but always alone

So pick a place, pretend it's home

The higher you climb, the further you fall. But don't be ashamed of wanting it all. Cause the view from the top is beautiful but fleeting. Looks can be deceiving

She hated the fact that she was still hoping. Still begging for the words he spoke to be true. That her Kaz wasn’t lost. And she knew that, if there was even the slightest chance that she could help, she would. No matter how it would make her feel. No matter how strong she would have to pretend to be and no matter how weak she was in reality. The thief had stolen her heart and by the time he had tried to give it back, she knew that she wished for him to hold onto it. He had taught her that life was about more than her job. That it was fine to change her ways, to stray from her paths. Without him, she would have never even considered taking this castle, truly making something of her life. And here she was. And there he was. Broken. Apart. Pushing and pulling, until one of the two gave up. And she was about to.

Kaz’ life was connected to hers. She didn’t quite understand what he meant when she heard the words he spoke, until she decided to turn them around. To change the perspective on them. Her life was connected to his. As long as he fought for himself, he’d fight for her too. And that was the problem right now. Watching him break, without any love for himself… Without any reason to get himself out of the darkness he had been in… It pained her. As if her own soul got crushed every time she looked into his eyes. But could she believe that it was the same for him? If their roles were reversed, where would they be now?

Mort spoke of the time where Kaz had just been turned. Those times had been different. Yes, he had pushed her away… But he had never looked at her in the way he had this time. He had shut off his feelings that time, but he had never told her anything like this. Or perhaps it was. Perhaps the difference was that at that time, she had been stronger. That this time, it was her own weakness that had caused her to turn her back on him when he needed them to stay. He had pushed, so hard, yet they had both stayed. Even when it had been a risk, when she knew it was a stupid idea to stay close to a fledgling. Yet, she had. Until the point where her finally realized that pushing her away wasn’t an option. Because she would never let that happen.

Until today.

In a quick movement, she got up from Morts lap and took a few steps into the room, placing her hands on her head before standing still, her back still towards him. Suddenly, she felt ashamed. “I’m sorry,” she admitted, her voice still naught more than a whisper. “But if I allow myself to hope and it doesn’t work out…” There it was. Her true reason for acting the way she did. After losing Giovanni, she had held onto Kaz with everything she had. And these past days, she had finally realized just how badly she needed him. “I…” Would she be able to get over it? Would it be selfish to force herself into his life, or was it selfish to give up?

NOTES, ~
TAGS, mort

FL*

Everything is wrong

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