Empty faith

The sun had started on its way down and clouds filled the sky, causing it to be a lot darker than it normally was at this time of day. It would probably rain soon, causing the cemetery to be completely empty, except for the one woman standing in front of a grave. She had tears in her eyes as she slowly pulled her fingers through her hair. Her long, brown hair was put up in a messy bun, a look that was not commonly found on her. Instead of her usual, picture perfect attire, she was found in a simple, black dress. The make-up on her face showed that this would not be her first tear today.
The woman looked broken, a look that didn’t fit her. She was strong, was supposed to be the unbreakable one. Made up of nails, teeth and bone, her chest filled with ice and stone. She was the one who was supposed to find the solution to vampires, kill all of them. Rid the world of any curse that had been haunting the people on it.
She had been ambitious, something that seemed to have been broken out of her at this point. Yet, she would smile again as soon as she left this cemetery. There was none on this planet that would know. Not Kaz, not anyone. They would only see the smile that said: ‘I’m fine, thanks. Yes. Tomorrow will be better.’

To be fair, most people thought she lived the perfect life. And they weren’t to blame.
She had a beautiful husband. A man who had gone through such efforts to keep her safe, to keep her happy. Even if they didn’t always get along. Even if every day between them was a fight, they fought it. They struggled and they lived. When he told her he loved her, she knew he meant it. Yet, her heart weighed heavy. And so did the ring around her finger. She loved him, she truly did. But it wasn’t as simple as that. Life never was.
She had a child to take care of. While Zanna wasn’t her own, the brunette had grown to care deeply for the young girl, even if she had only had the pleasure of taking care of her for a short while. The girl had something about her. A shimmer of survival in her eyes, a passion in her heart. She would make it. One day, she would be ready to take the world. It warmed her heart that the girl had opened up to her, trusted her. Perhaps, she had told herself, she would do some good to this world: just by raising that girl. She would be the gift she would leave to this earth the day she’d die. The girl would know both love and hate, both sickness and health. The girl knew what this world truly had in store for her. She was the future.
She had a passion. As an alchemist, she worked on so many things at once. She had accomplished things, had created her own recipes that would be taken by the world, used by people long after her death. The Alchemists who she taught were going to be amazing, were going to follow in her footsteps. If she died here today, she could at least say that she had done so with a nice list of accomplishments. She had made progress on the cure, after all. How many people could say that at age twenty-four?
And not just that. She had a fucking castle. A life as the Grand Duchess of all of Rhoynar. Every single day, she looked out the window and saw the beautiful city of Brightwater Keep, knowing that it was hers. And she hadn’t been gifted it. No, she had worked for it. Her alliances, everything had worked up to the point where she had been able to take it. Not alone. But with all the help she had earned over her life.

If her mother had seen her today, would she tell her that she would be proud of her? Or would she tell her to work harder, that the end wasn’t in sight just yet?

Because that beautiful husband of hers, was a vampire too. And any sane person understood the usual troubles with that. They had gotten married, promised themselves to each other for eternity. But his eternity was different from hers. In a decade, her body would have had its best time. Would he still feel for her? Or would they grow apart as time took its toll on her body? Were they doomed to fail? And not just that. He needed blood to survive. The idea of him feeding on another human being, just to ensure his own survival… Every time she thought about it, her heart ached and her stomach turned.
Zanna was a lovely child, but she needed a mother. And Allison couldn’t be that for her. She could be the aunt that took care of her while the mother was away, but she had never been a good mother. She was a mess herself, crying over everything and worried about the life ahead of her. She wasn’t ready to take on any responsibility. She needed to fix herself before she should even think of being the shoulder to cry on for the child. Perhaps she had made a mistake in promising that their door was always open for her. Perhaps they needed to find someone else to take care of her, because for the love of the Gods… She couldn’t anymore. She couldn’t even take care of herself. The girl was the future and she didn’t want to be the one ruining the stars in her eyes.
Even her alchemist business had been suffering under everything. Lately, she hadn’t been able to make sense of the words. It was like it was written in a language she had yet to understand. She could copy it, make the potions she had to make. But working on any, progressing any further with the cure… The possibilities no longer appeared in front of her eyes, the words no longer found their way on the paper. She didn’t know how to fix it. She didn’t know where to start and the end seemed further away than the moon. She couldn’t do it. Even the one thing she was supposed to be good at, was failing. It made her wonder why she was even trying, why she even bothered. Perhaps she needed to find another alchemist, hand them her notes and call it there. Perhaps the cure would actually end up existing one day if she did. At the hands of someone who was actually capable. Her accomplishments would be forgotten in no-time, bettered by alchemists who were simply more talented than she was. Maybe she had had her best times already and things would only go downhill from here.
She had a castle and it didn’t feel like home at all. The people in there were mostly strangers, people who didn’t care for anything other than the money they got for their work. The castle was too big, giving it a sense that wasn’t homey at all. It felt like she was constantly away from home until the moment she entered her bedroom, which was the only safe space she had left. Even the library had people walking in and out. No more sitting in between the books, nothing but pj’s on. Privacy was no longer a thing and she couldn’t lock herself in for days without wanting to see anyone. As soon as she wanted anything that wasn’t in the bedroom, she needed to get dressed. Because people would see. And it made her miserable.

Would her mother still be proud of her? Or would she tell her that it was enough? That she needed to create the end she saw? Because, if she didn’t, wouldn’t it all fall apart anyhow? There was no way she could do this, not like this. Acting as if everything was fine, all day, every day. Putting a smile on her face that told everyone that she was fine. It had to be believable, had to convince them that she indeed was fine. That there was nothing on her mind but the worries that every leader would have. She couldn’t be selfish, couldn’t waste her time worrying on things that mattered to no one but herself.
And yet, here she was. Standing in front of the grave of the man who had made life nothing but worse. Or at least, that’s what they told her. The man had done so many things that could be considered bad. He had taught her that it was possible for life to get more miserable than it already was, yet he had been the hope she needed. He had protected her and, unlike Kaz, had actually never abandoned her. He had been there when she needed him to. While he had never offered his shoulder for her to cry on, he had given her distractions. Had told her what to do, how to live on. If he had known, he probably would have told her not to do any of the things she had done.
And that was exactly why she was here. He had always helped her and perhaps he could do it again. Even now, she could feel his presence. As if his hand rested on her shoulder, his eyes staring into her soul. She closed her eyes, feeling the wind brush against her skin as she took a deep breath in.

“Giovanni,” she started. Just simply saying his name was enough for the first tear to finally leave her eye, ruining her make-up and slowly making its way down her cheek. “I haven’t visited in a while. For that, I am sorry,” she apologized, shaking her head softly. She scratched her arm, not sure where to leave her hands as she got a bit nervous. She was talking to the man again. Maybe he could even hear this. Or maybe she was just going crazy. No matter what, she needed someone to talk to. And who was more trustworthy than her dead boss? No one. Not even Kaz could hear the worries she was having.
“I think I’ve done a lot of things wrong lately,” she admitted. She could feel another tear rushing down her cheek as she spoke, softly shaking her head. “I’ve done everything you told me not to do.” She couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Giovanni lecturing her about her mistakes. She almost missed how he made her feel like a total mistake. Because at least then she had something to work on.

“I fell in love,” she admitted, biting her lip for a few seconds. “You would hate him,” she laughed. “He’s nothing like you. He… Actually cares. In his own way, I know he does,” she went on. She could feel her knees getting a bit weaker as she thought of it, but she kept standing in place, only moving her hand through her hair as she fell quiet for a few seconds again. “He’s not the easiest and definitely not perfect,” she went on.
“But he’s the only reason I can sleep at night, Giovanni… I…” Another tear came through and she had to take a deep breath in for a second, making an effort to calm herself down. “I wouldn’t know what to do if I lost him, like I lost you.” As long as Kaz was alive, there was still a hope inside of her that they would find their way back to each other. No matter what had happened. Because she would always forgive him. Her love for him was more important than the hurt he could cause in a hundred years.
“You know,” she went on, coughing softly as if that would help her get her voice back. “He’s a vampire now.” Her eyes were fixed on the gravestone, but she had stopped seeing it minutes ago. All she saw now was the way she had found Kaz. Broken, alone. He had been turned into the monster she was raised to hate. “And I still love him. It’s stupid,” she went on, smiling and shaking her head.
“He’s the monster you taught me to hate. His heart beats for no one, not even himself.” Were those words the truth? Had she been fooled into thinking he loved her? Giovanni had always warned her for this. He had told her how it was impossible for a vampire to love. That it was just their way of toying with their prey, before they finally got bored of it and would snap their neck. All that was left, was a monster that liked to play with those who were weaker than him. ‘A dead heart beats for no one,’ he would have told her. ‘And especially not for you.’

“And it’s not just him,” she admitted. Finally, she seemed to come back to the real world, pulling her hand through her hair once more. “His brother is one too. He turned him, actually.” Mort. He was your typical nice guy. The one who tried to do well in the world, but was selfish when it came to it. He had turned his brother not because Kaz wanted this, but because he didn’t want to lose him. Selfish, but she’d still say the man had a golden heart.
“He’s good, Giovanni. He’s… more pure than any man I’ve met. How can that be a monster?” she asked, shaking her head. More tears had started to follow and her eyes looked like a total mess, the make-up spread across her face. “How can he be the monster, while my father isn’t? While you aren’t?” she went on, shaking her head. “I’m trying to make sense of it, but I can’t…”
Honestly, it felt like her life had been a lie. Everything she had worked for, everything she had tried so hard for… It was all coming to an end. Ever since his death, she had had no one to whisper her where to go. Everything had to be done alone now. She needed to find her own path, needed to forge her own opinions. Something she hadn’t done before. It scared her. Because what if she was wrong? What if she opened her heart to someone who only intended to crush it? Would she survive? If she let her walls crumble and someone came in to knock her down, would she be able to get back up?
“What if we’ve been wrong all this time, Giovanni?” she asked, her voice softer than before. It was higher of tone too, sounding desperate, almost. “What if a heart doesn’t need to beat to feel love?” Could she actually allow herself to believe that? She knew it was already too late. She asked these questions, not because she wondered if they were true. But because she had already decided them to be. She loved the man. She cared for his brother. There would be more vampires like them on the world, those who had people that cared for them.
She asked these questions, because she wanted his permission. Because she wanted to devote whatever she had to a cure. So these monsters could go back to being people. So their heart would beat again. Their family members would no longer look like a snack and they could finally enjoy simple bliss like sleep again. They would be human.

“I need you to answer me, Giovanni.” And that was it. That’s where her voice broke, where the tears finally started rushing down her face together. She pulled a hand through her hair and looked at the grave stone. “I can’t do this by myself. I need you. I can’t.” The tone of her voice had started to change, turning more desperate than sad.
“I just… I don’t know how to continue. I’m not…” Her knees finally gave in, while her tone sounded more and more panicky. “I’m not strong enough for this,” she admitted, falling on her knees and placing her face in her hands. She wasn’t. There was no way she could do this all by herself and she knew it. She wasn’t accepting Kaz’ help and she didn’t know who else to trust. And without Giovanni here, she didn’t know who to trust. Who to let in.
Because, truly. Who hadn’t been a complete disappointment? Her mother had died at childbirth. Her father hadn’t cared. Her stepmother hadn’t wanted her. Giovanni was the first to take her in and she had loved him for it. Yet, she had stabbed him in the neck. She was the only reason he was dead. It wasn’t on Kaz. She made this decision. She was the disappointment, the traitor. Backstabbing the only one who had ever cared enough. And here she sat, talking to his grave as the desperate fucker she was. Slowly, her hands moved away from her face, falling on her lap as she stared at the stone again.
“You’re the only one, Giovanni,” she whispered. “You’re the only one I could count on.” He had been her rock. Hard, without emotion, no softness to be found. But, she also knew that he would always be there. No matter when, no matter what. If she needed him, she would have found him exactly where she expected him to be. There had been no one in her life who had done the same. And yet…
“I’m so sorry and if I could turn back time I would’ve made sure none of this would have happened,” she told, her voice cracking and tears falling down on her lap. “I should have taken responsibility for what happened and instead I made excuses. Like I always do,” she went on, shaking her head. She should have told him that Kaz was hers to deal with. She shouldn’t have allowed any of it to happen. Yet, she was weak. She closed her eyes, pretending none of it was happening. So, her boss took matters in his own hands. And she killed him because she couldn’t live with the consequences of her actions.

“I’ll never be capable of following your footsteps,” she admitted. “I can’t… I can’t shut it all off. I care, Giovanni. I care, I actually do,” she went on. Over and over again, she showed that she couldn’t do what he did. Not anymore. Without him whispering in her ear, telling her that she was following the correct path, she started to doubt. What if he had been wrong? What if nothing was as it had seemed before?
“I promised to care for a girl. Barely eight years old, I think,” she admitted. She had no clue how old Zuzanna was, but it didn’t matter. The girl was too young to care for herself. “I should have left her on the streets, but now she’s welcome in our castle. There was no reason to,” she went on. Or actually, there was. One simple reason. “I just… couldn’t. I just… can’t. I can’t send her back.” Not only because the girl reminded her of herself, but also because she was weak. She cared for the girl. She wanted her to be safe.
“We took over the castle and I’m… You would have had plans, Giovanni,” she went on. He had always spoken of power, how they needed to work towards having more of it. How every goal of theirs would be within reach if they could take possession of a throne. “Especially this one. It’s every Alchemist’s dream,” she told him, smiling softly. The castle had everything an Alchemist wanted. Combined with all she already had, this truly opened up the possibilities when it came to the Cure she had been trying to develop. Finally, there wasn’t anything in her way anymore. She had the chance to work on this. But instead, she cared for matters that she shouldn’t care about.

“I need you, Giovanni. I need you more than anything,” she repeated after a silence again. “I… I can’t make the right decisions without you,” she went on. “I don’t know what to do, who to trust or… Or where to go…” Again, the panic had made its way into her voice as she spoke. A drop of rain hit her arm and she looked up, before changing position, fully sitting down on the floor now, her knees pulled up in front of her. She hid her face in her knees, wrapping her arms around her legs.
“Do I deserve to die too, Giovanni?” she asked, still hiding her face. “Because I don’t know what to do,” she repeated, as if she would find the answer to her problems by telling him. She was talking to the man she had killed, telling him about the problems she faced in life. If there weren’t enough signs that things were going bad, this would probably be enough.
“And I know that if you were here, you’d tell me to suck it the fuck up and get my shit together,” she spoke. Finally, she looked up from her knees again, resting her chin on them. “And you would be right, Giovanni. I know you would be. We’ve come too far to give up now.” Because they had accomplished so much. She had. “But I just… I can’t… Without you it’s…” She had to interrupt her sentence, taking a few deep breaths in to regain her voice. Or at least, a part of it. “It’s like I’m alone. I’m not fearless like you wanted me to be… I’m terrified,” she went on. She realised she wasn’t making sense at all. And he would have told her so. “What if I fail?” There were so many possibilities. So many ways in which everything could go to absolute shit.
“I would have died for you, Giovanni. If only you would have given me the chance.” She would have taken Kaz’ place if it would have saved both men. But, sadly, that was no possibility. Giovanni would never have ended her life. She was too valuable to him. “And I knew you would never. Because you were the only person to ever have my back like that.” The man was perhaps the worst person she had ever encountered. Selfish, manipulative, angry… But, he had her back. And she truly believed that she could trust him with everything she had.

“I’m so lost,” she eventually spoke, hiding her face in her knees again. Because, that was exactly what she was. She had lost the thing she had held onto and she had no clue what to do now. Every certainty in life had vanished with him and it had finally caused her to face the issues she had. She couldn’t just walk up to him and ask him what to do next. Now, she had to decide for herself. And she didn’t feel like she could.
“And I…” Her voice broke off when she noticed how it actually started to rain. Softly, but it wouldn’t be long until there would be more. She’d get up and leave, but she wasn’t ready yet. She had come here for answers, to finally find the path she needed to walk after this. But, it didn’t help. He hadn’t given her anything. All that this had given her, was the realisation that this all was even messier than she thought it was.
“I’m so sorry.”

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Her body trembled and the brunette felt like the only way to keep herself together, was to wrap her arms more tightly around her legs. As if everything would fall apart the moment she let go. Because, truly, she wouldn’t be surprised anymore. She had been keeping everything together by just a thread, waiting for something (or someone) to break it. Just waiting until everything would fall apart. Who would have thought that she herself would be the one breaking it? That it would be her own weakness even before anything actually went wrong? It was miserable. Pathetic.

It was only when he spoke, that she noticed the man. She didn’t look up until she felt his jacket on her shoulders, slowly raising her face and showing him a frown. Immediately, she started rubbing underneath her eyes, as if that would help any. For once, everything about her screamed that she was a mess. From her make-up to the look in her eyes. Something that no one in this world was supposed to see. Not Elayne, not Kaz. And most definitely not someone who worked for her. She smiled faintly when he joked, but aimed her gaze on the grave again when his question sounded. She didn’t want to look at him as she felt the tears rise again. “He’s dead,” she spoke, her voice still unsteady. “And it’s killing me.”

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Dante was a smart man, putting it together in no-time. He realised that Giovanni was the leader, even though he had never encountered the man. Probably never heard of his name, even. Allison had made sure to only send the death notification to those of use, those who had actually met the man. Others were of no importance, had no business with who ruled the group. As far as they were concerned, there was still someone paying them. And that was all that mattered. That was all that would ever matter.

“Proud?” she asked, after listening to Dante’s words. She slowly looked away from the grave again, to frown at him. “He’s dead because of me,” she then followed, her voice barely anything more than a whisper. Looking down again, she recalled the event that had led to his death. “It was him or Kaz,” she admitted, looking back at the grave again. “So I…” Her voice died before she could finish the sentence, wrapping her arms around her legs again. So she killed the man who had cared for her. What a fucking idiot she was.

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The first life she had taken. No. But, that was something that had little to do with the situation. This had been… different. She believed that the lives she had taken before, were taken for a reason. Failed experiments, while this was true murder. And it wasn’t just any man. It had been the one person in this entire world to take her in when things had gone bad. The only one she could always count on. Dante spoke on, pulling her out of her miserable thoughts. He spoke of how it didn’t make her weak, but that was the problem. It did. While the memories with the man remained, it wasn’t what she needed. She needed him here, with her. To tell her what to do, what to think and who to love. Because this wasn’t working.

“He cared for me for as long as I can remember,” she spoke softly. The hand on her shoulder kept her in the real world, reminding her that she was in the here and now, not inside of her memories. “It’s not because I took his life,” she admitted. No, she wasn’t pure of heart. As always, she was too selfish to care about that specific fact. The problem was what had happened after. Because after the death, she had realised one thing. “It’s because I don’t know how to move on.” She was alone. Married, constantly surrounded by people, yet she felt this… emptiness. This darkness inside of her that kept pulling her in, kept calling her as soon as she had the smallest moment of weakness.  Because she had lost the one controlling her and now she finally had to face the world by herself.

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