On my knees

Every decision came with consequences. His decisions could easily be seen as mistakes by now. The young vampire was restless, broken, lost. In just one crucial moment he had lost the only two people he really cared about. After that day, his world had changed. Colours weren’t as bright anymore. Nothing could cause him to be remotely happy. Sadness had crashed over him like a wave, he had been cast astray. A couple of times he had contemplated moving back to Edmund’s mansion. Just run from his responsibilities and go in hiding again. But he simply couldn’t.

So he had gone to the one place he knew outside of Rhoynar. Mother’s Heart, Vanaheim. Even Mort himself didn’t know what he thought to accomplish here. There was only this aching feeling in his chest, pulling him towards her. The one that had killed his brother. It was insane. Of all people on this earth, she had to be the last one he would ever want to see again. Strangely, that wasn’t the case. The guards at the gate were different than last time, but there were no hunters this time.

”I wish to see the Commander”, He stated when he was asked about his business. For a second, they hesitated. Eventually though, he was let in. Two guards lead the way, while a third walked behind him. Apparently she was inside what could be considered a ‘throne room’. It was as typical as Vanaheim was by itself. No stereotypes applied to it. When he walked in, she was sitting on her throne, the mountain lion laying down right next to it. The vampire walked in, while trying to keep a neutral expression on his face. But his eyes could never hide what he was really feeling. When he was close enough, Mort got down on one knee. He rest his wrist on it as he leaned forward a bit, bowing his head. Waiting. Would she allow him to speak or send him right back out? Or worse.. Expose him and have her warriors execute him on the spot.

&Lexa

The commander looked down on him, her expression emotionless. He suddenly doubted coming here. Had he made a mistake again? He was submitted to her mercy, voluntarily. Again. And the situation wasn’t much different than the first time he had done that. He wanted her to be his judge. He knew she would always put the safety of the crowd above the safety of one, especially when she was in Commander-mode. It was exactly what he needed. If she decided he was a danger, a risk, he knew it would be a fair judgement. If she thought the monster inside him was slowly taking control, making him more ruthless and pushing him to make decisions that hurt the innocent.. She would be obliged to end him. Either way, he was here to ask for help, because he honestly didn’t know what to do anymore.

Kaz was learning fast, but he had sensed that the fledgling wasn’t as concerned about his lifestyle as Mort was. He kept killing and those dead bodies were all on him. Allison made sure to remind him of that. He spent more time digging graves than anything else these days. It was slowly pushing him to his edge. He didn’t know how much more it would take before he would give up. He felt like he couldn’t get through to his brother. The other still hated him. He accepted his help, more or less, but he was still angry. Rightfully so. Mort had to break his own values to keep him alive and somewhat safe. The fledgling could take care of himself now. It was only a matter of time before he wouldn’t need him anymore. He just didn’t know if he had to keep trying or not, as he had just lost hope.

When the guards had left, the Commander told him to get up. He raised up again, but kept his head low. This had gone better than expected. He hadn’t thought he’d come this far. Now he had to figure out how to put into words what he was doing here. In his mind, it had been the most logical thing to do. How could he explain it to her though? ”I have come to seek your guidance”, He said, his voice sounding a bit fragile. Not as powerful and authoritative as hers. Fact was that he still valued her opinion as some type of gauge. She had always claimed he was a good person. Even with the monster hiding beneath the surface. She was the one who had had hope, and had ignited that same hope in his heart. Ensuring him that everything would be alright. It had kept him going. Now he had lost it, and everyone he cared about with it. He couldn’t go on like that. He needed her guidance once more, more than ever.

The day he had turned Kaz, he had lost his brother. Not physically, but the bond they had, was gone. The insults he had made, had broken his heart beyond repair. Or that was what it felt like, at least. Allison had convinced him to take on his duty as a sire and raise the fledgling. For some reason, she had even convinced Kaz to listen and let him share the information. In the couple of weeks that had gone by, he had learned more about his brother than he had wished to know. He had seen what those twenty years apart had done to him, how it had shaped him into the person he was today. It wasn’t pretty, at all. The young man was a killer, a murderer.

And Mort had given him everything he needed to exceed in that. Supernatural strength, speed, reflexes. Immortality. All his physical injuries, gone. He loved his brother. But he had created something he could not control. He could battle his own monster. Kaz should be doing the same with his, but that was the problem: he wasn’t. And everything he did, was a blame on his name as well. Not only as his brother, but also as his sire. He was in over his head and he had lost his way.

“You seek guidance at the feet of your brother’s killer?” She asked, almost as if she did not believe him. He couldn’t blame her. It was downright insane. The soft tremble in her voice, was hard to miss. He wasn’t sure what to think of it. Today, he needed the Commander. “I will hear what you have to say.” She then said. Mort took a deep breath before speaking. ”I cursed my brother, doomed him to immortality. Without his consent”, He started off. The guilt was clearly visible in his eyes. Even just talking about it, hurt him to the core of his being.

”Not only did I do that, I also fail to be a good sire to him. I’m afraid he won’t learn to control his instinct to hunt, to kill. He has dropped more bodies than I have in my entire existence, and those are all on me”, He continued. The situation was bad. ”I need to know.. If there is purpose left for me. My only goal was to be with my brother. Now he’s not only undead, but he hates me as well. I don’t know how to fix it..” He said, voice trembling with emotion as he could feel his eyes tear up. He shook his head to keep himself from crying. ”I don’t know what to do.”

Before he had turned his brother, he had thought he was still the child he had lost at sea. Tortured by his own magic, his own abilities, losing control every now and then. Back then, he had been the one to comfort him and keep his monsters at bay. He had thought he would be able to do the same now. Little did he know what had happened to his fledgling in the past twenty years. Horrible things, probably, that had made him do horrible things in return. Shaped by a past he had no clue about. He had thought that turning him would fix all their problems. They would have eternity together and he could teach him his ways. Raise him in the same way Edmund had raised him four years ago.

But he had been so wrong. And he was on the verge of giving up. If Lexa didn’t kill him today, Allison would. She would find a way. Kaz would still be the monster he allowed himself to be, but at least he wouldn’t be the one feeling bad about it. It was incredibly weak. When it got too hard, he chose the easy way out. Like a coward. He needed hope, someone to promise him it would be okay. Though it seemed like he couldn’t count on her this time to do that for him.

Her words hit him like a brick to the face. Emotions swallowed him whole, pulling him under to almost drown him. He clenched his jaw, aimed his dimmed blue eyes on the ground for what seemed a very long time. ”There is no hope left”, He finally whispered, a quiet sigh that embodied the hopelessness he felt. ”I am not brave. I am not strong. I called this upon myself, you are right”, He continued, biting down on his tongue for a second afterwards. ”I will deal with myself accordingly”, He then said. He didn’t know what exactly he would do. There was only one thing that was certain. He deserved some sort of punishment. If she wasn’t the one to bring it to him, then he would find another way. The young vampire bowed his head once more, after which he turned around and headed for the exit.

The ultimate goal of his visit, was redemption. A way to pay for the mistakes he had made one way or another. By finding a solution, something that would fix the errors he had made. Or, if that was not possible, punishment. Whichever she would see fit for this case. But in the end, he got neither of those things. She had spoken and as was custom in Vanaheim, her word was the law. Even though he was an outsider.. He knew better than to argue with her. So he would simply seek his penalty elsewhere. One thing he now knew for sure though. She had given up on him. So what was the point of holding on?

Now he truly was a dead man walking. He was about to leave when he suddenly heard the clattering of a blade hitting the ground, after which footsteps followed. The vampire turned around, obviously confused. Did she change her mind? Was she attacking him from behind, getting rid of him once and for all? Mort couldn’t believe what he was seeing instead. The woman was sitting on her knees, hands behind her back. It was a similar position he had taken a few weeks ago, when he had submitted to her after he had almost attacked her.

“I hereby apologize and take full account for all the harm I have caused to you and your brother.”

The words that were spoken, surprised him. Totally unexpected. The young vampire shook his head again. ”No, no, don’t..” He whispered softly. He carefully took a few steps back, towards her. ”Get up, please”, He continued, a bit harder. This was not what was supposed to happen. ”I’m not worthy of your apology”, He said, slight panic audible in his voice. What was she doing? He didn’t understand it one bit and it felt wrong in every way. She was the Commander. The Commander didn’t apologize, and certainly did not kneel to an outsider.

The difference between the woman that had been sitting on the throne and the one that was now on her knees, was clearly visible. Even with the war paint, he could see he was now dealing with Lexa, not the Commander. Or, more a mix of both. She was speaking to him through her heart this time. Showing him that the most important part of her still cared about him. It brought tears to his eyes, again, but that wasn’t really a surprise. He was an emotional mess lately. Mort rubbed his eyes for a second, to wipe away the tears.

In a way, she had told him exactly what he was supposed to do. He had fucked up, badly. And he had to carry the consequences. Live with the guilt. For eternity, in his case. But that would be his penalty. He would have to live through this pain, until he found a new purpose. Until he found something that would make him happy again. Right now he didn’t deserve that yet. His suffering was not over, yet he felt this spark of hope again. Hope that it wouldn’t last forever. ”I accept your apology”, He said, more determined than before.

Could he forgive her? Probably not yet. In the future? Certainly. He was not one to hold grudges. Fact was that he couldn’t imagine giving up on her either. Carefully he extended his hand to her, to help her get up. There was a reason he had come to her, of all people. She was the one that could make or break him. The one that could make a difference in his life. It was a very dangerous thing, but she had proven to him once more that he could trust her. Now it was his turn to show her the same.

The shift in their relationship was very obvious. Where she had been sitting on her throne, looking down at him, she was now kneeling before him while he looked down on her. It felt strange, unnatural. He had come here prepared to deal with the Commander, not Lexa. While she was speaking, he could almost see the woman he had fallen in love with. Because that was wat it was, right? For the first time in weeks, he felt a sort of bliss. She had calmed him down, unknowingly. Her place was not on the ground in front of him though. So he offered his hand, not because he thought she couldn’t get up by herself. It was more symbolic, like her gesture had been too.

Her next offer was more than that though. She accepted both him and his brother as her people. They would be welcome whenever, without having to deal with guards treating them like outsiders. It warmed his heart. Especially when she made clear how Vanaheim would be a safe space for when Kaz got in trouble. Something he was expecting to happen sooner or later. ”I don’t know what else to say than thank you”, He said, a smile curling around his lips for the first time in weeks. He could feel himself relax a bit more. There was even space for a joke. ”So, how about you show me around then?” He asked, pulling up his brows slightly. Or did the Commander have more important matters to attend to?

Before he would tell Kaz about her offer, he would have to make sure the other understood the risk of coming here. He had only survived because of the venom. If he hadn’t been around, he would have died for sure. So when he came here, he would have to behave. He tolerated the fledgling’s violent tendencies at home. Here, he would not. He knew how risky it was for Lexa to make this promise. How much of a sacrifice it would be. If Kaz lost control in here, she would lose all credibility as Commander. They would challenge her rank and he would not allow that to happen.

Those were worries for later though. It was as if her presence brought his mind at ease. Mort listened to her words carefully. ”Obviously”, He replied. It was a very logical thing to ask. He would have thought about this himself if it hadn’t been for her being quicker. ”If anything, I’m glad to help. It’s the least I can do”, He continued with a soft smile. Besides, he was curious too. Something about learning new things and all.