There was a thought creeping up in his head and it was a very bad one at that. And it was sick and fucked up and he shouldn’t even think it was a possibility. Yet, it somehow had made its way into his brain. Ignore it and it would go away. Just as these wounds would. The vampire sighed silently, looking down at his lap, his hands staining the sheets with the almost dried up blood. He would overcome this, at his own time and at his own pace.

But Allison kept insisting to help, she kept telling him to share things while right now he just wanted to be left alone. He was grateful for what she had done for him, for what she would do for him and for everything else. But right now she was overbearing and it was starting to get on his nerves. The vampire shook his head, sighing again. ‘’You don’t need to.’’ Maybe he just needed to find a bottle of alcohol and see if it would help with his thinking. Or maybe he should just throw himself off the nearest cliff. ‘’It needs time.’’

Kaz was a strange human being, if you could still call him that after this transformation. One moment he could be the coldhearted thief who threw his morals at the side just to get what he wanted. Whenever he had his mind on something he would do anything to get it. He wouldn’t care for someone’s problems or issues, after all, they weren’t his and he shouldn’t carry those issues with him. It would make him awful at his job even. If you were a thief with a conscience worrying about others, you would be caught in no time. But, if you could just shut those emotions off and focus on the job. You could be a master. And Kaz had been like that for a long time. He would get in, get the job done and worry about other things later. The money was what he lived for, the gold in his pockets and the heavy feeling of the coin in his hands. It made him live for another day.

And on the other side was a whole different person. A Kaz who cared and was worried about everyone around him, who was scared to act because he might fuck things up and it would get worse from there. He was scared to lose the ones close to him and there would be no minute in his day left where he didn’t think of the consequences of his actions. It was this Kaz that Allison had fallen in love with and the one that loved her back. It was this Kaz that was worried sick that he was just a burden to her and that he was better off alone. And it was this Kaz that instead of pushing her away, wanted to draw her closer and tell her how sorry he was.

But after the recent events, those two sides collided and had merged with each other. And it was now a horrible mess. The coldhearted thief versus the worried lonely boy. Neither could win from each other. It was just a fight on who would be on top and who was in charge of controlling him. The woman had truly done her best work. The broken mess he looked like might worry people the most, but for him it was the confusion. Because who was he really? And who did he want to be?

After all of this, could he go back to his old ways? Could he go back on the streets and live from day to day, filling his pockets with the money he swindled and stole? Or would his soft side overpower him and tell him how wrong all of it was? Since when had his morals won from his greed? His two natures were too loud to ignore and too conflicting to put them together. Another question was if he wanted to sink that low again and go back to the days he had lived as a streetrat. Becoming Grand Duke had brought its perks and it may have been a welcoming change, yet it all felt too good. Kaz didn’t deserve to be treated like this, like he was ought to be looked up to, to be respected. He had never respected anyone, so why would anyone respect him?

Was there a way to turn all of this back and undo the things he had done? Could he go back in time and prevent himself from the horrors he had created? Couldn’t he just die? Then all these horrible situations would be over, then nobody had to worry about his stubborn ass and finally be free from him. He brought nothing but harm to the ones around him. He couldn’t stay out of trouble, no matter how much he tried. Bad luck always found him and if it wasn’t bad luck, it would be his karma catching up on him.

Could he truly think like this? Could he truly think he was a burden? After all, hadn’t he been a burden to everyone around him since the day he was born? His brother and I could never have lived a normal life because of his magic, his parents were dead because of him, he had lost his home because of himself and he had brought so much destruction to people who didn’t deserve it. His conscience had gotten the best of him and bested his immoral behaviour. Even if he wanted to, he could no longer go back to being a low thief. He simply had outgrown that nature.

But his nature clinged to him as if it was taking its last breath. The vampire hadn’t moved a single inch as he had been so lost in thought he didn’t even care about himself anymore. And that was an issue. Because Kaz thought lesser of himself than the people around him. He didn’t deserve them, he wasn’t above them and he definitely did not earn their respect. His nature might not want to live on the streets anymore, but he truly belonged there. In the gutter.

’’I need you to leave.’’ He finally spoke after which seemed to be minutes, if it were not longer. His voice was soft but stern. He didn’t want her to object. He wanted her to listen. He turned his head so he could look at her, his eyes betraying nothing. ‘’I need you to leave and take care of yourself.’’ That would probably be more clear. He wasn’t the only mess in this room, if not she was the bigger mess. He had seen her be strong for so long and he had seen her telling others that she was fine so often that he practically could hear the moment in her voice that told him she was lying.

He would be fine. It would take time, if not forever for him to reach that point but he eventually would get there. The last thing he wanted was to pull people with him in his misery. After all, they did not deserve that. They had done nothing to deserve that. Maybe that was why he pushed people away again and again. Not because he didn’t want people to see the cracks in his skin, but he thought that he wasn’t worthy enough for people to see them.

Again, he tried to reason with Allison. He was eerily calm, as if everything suddenly made sense and the puzzle pieces had finally fallen together. ’’I don’t want you to break because of me. I don’t want to lose you because of myself. So for once, please listen to me. Take care of yourself. Not me, yourself.’’ Was this the thief speaking? Trying to get the best out of the situation just for his own personal gain? Or was this his side that cared too much and just wanted the best for everyone.

’’I love you Allison, I really do..’’ His voice trailed off before he finally found the courage to speak again. It weren’t the wounds on his lips or in his throat that were holding him back, but himself. ‘’But I’m scared I can’t love you right now.’’